Reality Check-list

Things I Have NOT Been Doing Lately:

• Skiing (aside from last weekend, when I went twice)- a major source of exercise and winter fun, but I've been sitting on my ass a lot
• Hitting the gym- For weeks I was going twice a day, 3-5 days per week. Since getting the flu a few weeks ago I've been getting maybe 3 workouts per week. Pathetic.
• Eating well- Actually, I always eat well, but here lately I've also been eating poorly way too often. Leigh and I have initiated a junk food Fridays rule- we only get to pig out one day per week, on Fridays, preferably after going to the gym at least once that day. Last Friday we ate a Costco pizza (yes, a whole one!), packing almost 2,000 calories per person. Yeah, I know...
• Applying for jobs- I was on a roll for a few weeks and applied for three local jobs and a few out of town ones. Since then most of the job openings posted locally are for positions I'm not really qualified for or have no interest in. But there is one new one and a few more Fed jobs, I just need to get my stuff together!
• Cleaning and baking- dog hair dust bunnies abound at home, my side of the bedroom is covered in clothes (dirty and clean), and it's been weeks since I baked a healthy loaf of bread or dessert. Result? My house is messy, smells like a dog, and I tend to break down and buy "unclean" sweet foods when I need a fix. Oh yeah, and my Girl Scout Cookies order came in today. Lord, help me!

Things I HAVE Been Doing Lately:

• Watching The West Wing on DVD (a lot)
• Eating (a lot)- see above
• Feeling bored- I can only blame my own lack of motivation.
• Reading a foreign policy book for the FSOT- this is a good move, but I should be doing more because the June test is going to sneak up on me. Not that I have to pass the first time, but considering that this process has several testing stages I should do my best to get as far as I can on each attempt. So I need to read faster...
• Brainstorming ways to get back on track- I even bought a day planner and started using it this morning. We'll see how that goes.
• Worrying about finding a new job- maybe if I applied to more I could rest a little easier, but in truth I won't feel better about this until I have an offer in hand
• Daydreaming about trips I can't take- Europe appears to be off the table for now, unless I get a job lined up and we have some extra money to work with this summer/fall. I also really want to go to Hawaii for a week, but Leigh doesn't have any time off and (again) we have no extra money right now. Honestly, I'd be happy to go anywhere for a change of scenery. It seems absurd to have so much time off saved up (about 16 days!) and not have any plans to use it. The good news is that I get the cash balance of any unused days off when I finish my clerkship (unless my next job is also with the State, then it just rolls over), so at the very least this will translate into a nice bonus check.

I used to be a go-getter, a "doer," someone who makes lists and checks off every item. I'd like to be that person again. So, does anyone have any ideas to jump start my motivation? To get me back on track?

With that in mind, I should probably finish this memo I've been working on for ages...

A long winter weekend

As a state employee I get a lot of days off, 24 earned PTO days and 13 holidays per year. This past weekend was President's Day. My judge has a tradition where he and his buddies rent out an entire lodge (it's a small property) and do some skiing for the long weekend. In recent years his clerk (that's me) has been charged with renting a 6 bedroom house and filling it with clerks and friends.

A total of 15 impoverished young professionals made their way to Sheep Mountain in the Mat-Su Valley, myself and Leigh included. We spent the weekend hanging out in a big house filled with a ramshackle collection of furniture and eating potluck dishes prepared on electric appliances (there was no running water in winter and no kitchen, I find the second aspect of this much stranger than the first). In between naps and meals we did some skiing.

The trails were short, less than a mile, and ran in loops so we could do just one trail for a quick ski or multiple trails to go a bit longer. The views were great. Skiing in Anchorage is fantastic, but the trails are usually surrounded by trees and the ski overcast from living in a bowl. Having uninterrupted views on a sunny afternoon was a nice change for everyone.

Leigh had to go home Sunday afternoon because she had to work on Monday (poor thing), so I stayed behind and carpooled back to Anchorage with a few friends. The weekend renewed my love of X-C skiing so that now I really want to learn to skate ski, though the season is almost over.

No news on the job search front. My plan right now is to stay in touch with the places I've already applied to (two of which have indicated an interest but asked me to hold off on scheduling an interview until closer to summer) and keep my eyes pealed for new opportunities. I'm currently reading one of a long list of suggested books to prepare for the foreign service exam in June. After I sit for the exam I will reward myself with a $500 Rosetta Stone purchase. I was skeptical at first, but after learning more about the teaching methods I'm convinced that the program will be what I need to give myself a more even education in French. The coolest part, which I just learned about, is that Rosetta Stone allows you to have live video chats with native speakers to practice what you learned in the previous lesson. Along with my regular French conversation dates here in Anchorage I should improve quite a bit, assuming I stick to a schedule. If all goes well I might just pass that language test and get a decent spot on the Econ register next year!

In related news, you may recall that I was planning to go to Europe this spring. Well, that plan was thwarted, mostly by money issues and the small problem that I need to be in town in case I get a job interview in March or April. Plus the friends I was hoping to visit in Germany and Switzerland are very busy this spring. They were willing to host me and were being good sports about the timing, but if I'm being honest it's just best to put this trip off until 1) I have more money and 2) my visit doesn't burden anyone. So now I'm hoping to go in August or September (if I can get a few weeks off in between jobs). If the timing works out I should be able to go for almost a whole month and my other half is giving me the go-ahead on a longer trip because she knows how badly I need to blow off some steam before embarking on a permanent job.

So, IF I can get the time off from my life my trip will look like this: Stopover in Iceland (2 days), Bavaria (3 days), Vienna (4 days), Bratislava (1 day stopover by train), Budapest (3 days), Flight to Geneva (2 days), Taize (6 days), Paris (3 days), plus insert a half day here and there to account for travel time between places. In total I'll be gone 29 or 30 days. It's a long time, but I'll get to see a lot of new places and visit some friends in a few favorite places. Upon my return to the US I will buy my way out of the dog house by presenting my other half with many gifts. Good plan, right?

Alas, I actually have some work to do so I should really try to focus. Only 6 more months of clerking left!

Coming Out

I'm Gay.

OK, you probably already knew that. Even if I happen to have readers who dont' know me personally (that would be shocking), my frequent mention of Leigh and our life together should have tipped you off ages ago. If not, well, maybe you hadn't had your coffee before reading those posts. I don't know. Anyway, that's not what I'm coming out about right now though.

I haven't been posting lately because I wasn't sure how vocal I wanted to be about something that's been on my mind lately. Leigh and I made a pretty huge life decision a few weeks ago, but whether that decision comes to be depends on several factors over which we have very little control. So I haven't blogged about it yet. But since I use this blog to purge a lot of the reverberating thoughts in my head it's probably best for my sanity to just be forthcoming about it and then not allow myself to feel embarrassed if things don't work out for us.

I've decided to join the Foreign Service in the economics career track. Not today, not even next year, but eventually. The selection process is long (18 months+/-) and very difficult (only about 2% of total applicants get a spot). At the earliest this might happen in December of 2013, but it's more likely that I will retake a series of tests each year for several years to come. It really just depends on my test scores, the federal budget for new FS positions, and the needs of the State Department.

So yeah, I'm still looking for a new job in Anchorage, but I don't necessarily plan to stay in that job forever. Obviously I still want my next job to be interesting and a fun environment in which I can grow as a professional because I will, more likely than not, be in that job for at least five years. The State Department's foreign service budget has been whittled down a bit each year since 2010 and it looks like it'll continue in that direction. If Obama isn't reelected I suspect the situation will worsen as a result of Republican influences on the budget. Plus the career track I've chosen is becoming more popular and therefore more competitive. Rather than choose another career track I've decided to be patient so that, if I get a spot, I can look forward to a long career doing something I find fascinating rather than settling for something I find less fascinating.

What is the foreign service? In a nutshell, FSOs are posted at embassies around the world to do a variety of tasks. The work is very interesting and multifaceted. FSOs do everything from grant visas to build business and diplomatic relationships with the host country. It depends on your career track, rank, and job description. FSOs serve "tours" of 2-3 years or so and have to be available to go anywhere in the world, though preference is considered and officers get to rank their preferred locations based on the available jobs and related training involved. It's complicated.

Why do you want to live like a nomad? Um, have we met? I've been wracking my brain for years to find a job in my career field that allows me to work all over the world. Law is jurisdictional, it just is. When lawyers travel a lot for work they don't actually see the place they're visiting. Instead they see the airport, a conference room, and usually a file storage facility before they head back to their home office. Lame.

This is one of several alternative career paths that I'm qualified for where I can actually live abroad long enough to get a sense of a place then look forward to moving to another location for a while. The list of cities where the US has embassies is nothing short of mind-boggling and drool-worthy. Leigh and I would enjoy the chance to live in most regions of the world (there are a few exceptions to this, but so few that I'm really not that concerned about it). I can't help but daydream about tours in Southeast Asia, South America, Cuba, Singapore, and anywhere (yes anywhere) in Europe (Western, Eastern, Central, Southern). I love the idea that choosing my future posts will be like gambling where you never actually lose, learning languages, and inviting relatives to spend their vacations with us wherever we are. Plus I'll serve my country and create professional relationships with a host country. It's a whole career of new experiences and an amazing opportunity to provide my family with an enriching lifestyle.

Anyway, that's the plan: work in Alaska for a while, then hopefully join the Foreign Service.

What will Leigh do, you ask? Depending on her work situation she might continue with her company as a telecommuter or at one of their foreign offices. If that's not possible or if she prefers to stay home with kids or whatever that is also an option. FSOs don't make tons of money, but a lot of basic living costs are covered as part of being at a post and we've certainly survived off very little in the past. Besides, we're simple girls with simple tastes, so we might do OK with just one income.

So, what's next? Well, I still need to find a permanent job starting in September 2012. But in June I'm going to take the FSOT, the initial written exam for the selection process. I don't expect to pass it this time around, but I'm using this as a chance to see what it's like and get a base score. If I fail I can retake it in June 2013. If I pass I'll write an essay. Then I might be invited for an Oral Assessment (part interview, part oral presentation in a group setting). My OA score will determine my position on a register everyone else in the economics career track. Then the State Department will start putting together A-100 training classes for the next 18 months. I will be placed in a class based on my score and the State Dept's needs to fill economic positions. It's all very long and complicated.

So here's My 6-Month To Do List:

1. Study for an enigmatic test

2. Consider buying Rosetta Stone in an attempt to achieve French fluency (passing a fluency test gives applicants a substantial bonus score for their register positions)

3. Find a permanent job

The bottom line is, even if I pass the FSOT in June I will still work for my next employer for at least a year, possibly longer if I don't make it through every stage of the selection process on the first try. So I have to find a job and be good at it because, as I'm currently learning, few things in life are as depressing as feeling like you suck at your job.

Phew, it feels good to list this out and vent a little bit about how involved the process will be. So now, dear reader(s), you'll get lots of stories about job applications, life in Alaska, AND studying for a series of tests. Lucky you!

In other news, I turned 27 today.

Happy Valentines Day

Last week I mostly focused on my job search. I still need to put some time into a few federal jobs, but I'm mostly trying to find something here in Anchorage. Certainly in the next five years Leigh and I will be thinking about moving to the East Coast or Seattle, but for now we're really enjoying building a community and settling into our house.

This weekend we decided to settle in a bit more. We have several nice pieces of furniture, but an equal number of Craigslist finds. The pieces weren't quite fitting together and don't exactly fit the shape of the rooms in our house. The most obvious problem was the armoire we converted to hold our media electronics. It was a little too tall, a little too boxy, and a little too light in color for the room. So we decided to look for something that was either 1) built for a corner or 2) a good size to fit along the opposite wall in the room.

Sunday morning we left the house expecting to spend a very long day looking for a decent deal on sub-par furniture. Our first stop was the JC Penny Furniture Store (in Anchorage the furniture store is separate, I don't know why) because it opened first. We did a lap around the store and quickly found not one, but three well-priced pieces we liked for our house! And, as a sign of our new-found adulthood, all of these pieces are made of real wood (not composite) and came assembled for us (no flat-packing, no instructions!). We found a nice TV console that fits beautifully along a short wall dividing our living and dining areas, a hutch that works well for books and knick-knacks, and a pretty mirror we'll eventually hang on the wall.

By the time we got home I started feeling pretty crummy. I went upstairs to lay down, occasionally dragging myself to the bathroom to throw up, then curled up a bit longer. It was awful. But Leigh, being the focused, sweet, and slightly-OCD person that she is, got to work setting up our new living room. She set up the media system, moved furniture, fluffed pillows, the works. When I emerged from my sick, sleepy stupor I came downstairs to a cozy new space. I stayed home from work yesterday waiting for the nausea and body aches to subside, all the while enjoying our new living room. Photos to come soon.

Anyway, today is Valentines Day and I'm well enough to be at work. I normally strongly dislike Valentines Day, mostly because it detracts from my birthday (which is 2 days later). Selfish? Maybe. But as any holiday-born person will tell you, nothing stinks more than the whole freaking world being doted on when it's supposed to be YOUR DAY!

Oh well, at least Leigh and I get to enjoy a nice lunch together at one of our favorite local diners, Snow City Cafe. This place is pretty awesome: tasty food, walking distance from our offices, waiters with tattoos, and today proceeds are going toward One Anchorage, an LGBT equality group here in Anchorage.

The rest of the week we will probably spend more time tidying up the house and preparing for this weekend. Each year my supervising judge hosts a group at a ski lodge about 1 1/2 hours from Anchorage for some cross-country skiing and hanging out. The judge and his buddies rent out nice cabins and have meals catered. The judge's clerk (that's me) arranges for a group of 10-15 clerks and friends to rent out a big cabin together. We will cook meals, hang out, ski, and have a meal or two catered by the lodge. So Leigh and I will spend Friday packing and preparing dishes to take for the weekend. Cannelle is spending Saturday night with a group of friends down the street and Juneau is looking forward to a quiet weekend alone. It should be a good time for all!

Women in Leadership Roles

It's no secret that I'm looking for a new job. In fact, when am I ever NOT looking for a new job? At least that's how it seems, considering that I started working on the books when I was 15, then I was enrolled in higher education for nearly seven years, always needing to secure a summer internship, and over the past three years have completed three separate one-year contract style jobs with two different employers. Wow, I seem like a flake, but this is pretty normal for someone in my position.

It's also no secret that I'm pretty disenchanted with my current position. My work is either too dull to capture my full attention or so difficult with so little direction that I'm almost certain I'm being set up for failure. The co-workers don't like me for various reasons, mostly because I'm female (I have a supervisor who doesn't communicate well with women and work with two female support staffers who hate their own 20-something daughters. Hatred by proxy, I suppose.). My supervisor has severe mood swings. One day we'll get along OK and the next he'll sit me down for an hour and tell me in more eloquent terms that I am stupid, lazy, inexperienced, sloppy, etc. It does a number on my self-esteem, makes me think I'm not good enough for my profession, and makes me consider running away. A few particularly bad interactions with him led me to spend a remaining portion of the day applying for jobs in Washington, DC and foreign 1-year contract positions in pretty scary locations.

But when I come back down to Earth I remember that this too shall pass and that not every work environment is like this one. There are supportive, encouraging, challenging jobs and colleagues out there. I just need to find the right fit and enjoy working hard with those people. That's one benefit of being in Anchorage now- this is where I want to live and I actually get to interview in person from now on (my clerkship interviews were over the phone).

Today I read this Forbes Thought of the Day. The bottom line was that women need to "put their foot on the pedal and aim high," but there were also important tidbits about creating supportive working environments for girls and young women to get a sense of leadership and run with it:

"What else has to happen before women take their fair share of leadership roles?

I’ve spent the last ten years helping women grow micro businesses into $million companies. ... And here is what I would add to the latest efforts to move more girls – soon to be women – into positions of leadership: adults need to create more opportunities for girls to be brave, curious risk-takers and leaders. Girls need to see and meet women leaders who look like them. Women need to create more places and situations where girls can try being the boss on for size. Girls need to know from women and men that being the boss, being a leader and being in charge are choices that they actively make, not something that happens because they are smart, pretty, sexy, perfect or good enough."

This comment gives me promise that there might just be a job out there where I don't have to feel weird at the interview because I'm a young-looking short girl with short hair who is obviously in desperate need of some positive reinforcement. The best case scenario for me would be a position where at least one of my bosses is a woman, someone I can look up to and learn from, someone who knows what it feels like to be the odd "man" out in a profession based on the illusions of charisma and power.

I'm reminded of my days at Hollins, feeling like I was just as good and capable of achieving anything and just as entitled to opportunity as anyone else. I'm the girl who ran off to Seattle for the summer just to be somewhere different. I'm the girl who moved to France for a year because the economy sucked in 2008. I'm the girl who traveled to Costa Rica, Germany, the UK, Italy, Spain, and Morocco all by herself. Who says I can't do that? Who says I can't handle myself and the possible consequences of those choices? I did all those things. I'm fearless.

No, I'm not. Not anymore.

Those glorious Hollins lessons have definitely faded in the past six years. First law school introduced me to a world of people who think the loudest, most obnoxious voice will win. I kept to myself, did well on my exams, and achieved in areas that I could control without the social approval of my classmates. Now the personalities I encounter run the gamut of amazingly collegial to oddly arrogant, a characteristic I find totally out of place in Alaska. Knowing that I know almost nothing and am here to learn keeps me quiet, keeps me from stepping on toes or standing up for myself. What's more, fear of rejection from my new legal community and a lack of a supportive professional environment prevents me from being the "brave, curious, risk-taker" I used to be.

It's time for a change. I'm ready for a change. That is evident in how seriously I'm taking my job applications. It's not even March (I have this job until end of August) and I've submitted seven or so applications. I'm already excited about interviewing, exploring my options, and probing my interviewees with hard-hitting questions to make sure I'm signing up for a professional relationship where I can thrive. Sure, these people are offering to pay me money, but I'm the one offering up a large portion of my time on this planet to work with them. It should be up to me if I'm satisfied with the experience they are offering. Not to say I'll be superior or have an inappropriate view of my bargaining position, but I will be less likely to jump at the first opportunity I'm offered than I was two years ago. It has to be a good fit. It has to be a group of people that want me, a professional woman, to grow and achieve in their organization.