Double Post

So yeah, I just posted something a few hours ago. I may seem a little bit pathetic, but please keep in mind that I'm living in a lycee dormitory for a few days with almost nothing to do. At this moment I am waiting for Leigh to get home from work so we can chat while my computer battery lasts. For some reason the outlets in my room short out every time I plug my laptop in, so I have to charge it sometime during the day and hope the battery lasts as long as necessary. My other option is to camp out in the kitchen of this building with the computer plugged in to charge it while I sit on the countertop because there is no seating, which isn't terribly comfortable.

Anyway, I managed to pack all my stuff into my suitcases and am now just kind of waiting around until the hauling of my stuff around France must begin. Not looking forward to that, but my rewards are plenty, so I will deal with it moment by moment. That was a big job and it was after a full day of errands and such, so I feel pretty accomplished today. I even met with my bank to get instructions to transfer my euros to dollars in the US. The woman gave me oral instructions rapidly and answered my questions in great detail. I understood everything she was telling me even if I didn't catch and process every word. 7 months ago this situation would have had me fighting back tears or at least asking for someone to translate. Progress? Yes, perhaps a bit. I am still learning. One day soonish I would like to have a solid handle on French and conversational German. This will take work, but what is life without a self-improvement project or two in the works?

For the past week or so I have been living in denial about my leaving Europe. Then today it really hit me how soon I am going home. Don't get me wrong, I miss my family and am I so excited about the opportunities I have awaiting me, but I can't help but feel quite sad if not a bit depressed about repatriating. I feel like I just got settled, started to get into the rhythm of life here and just now started making real connections with people.

My greatest fear is that I won't be able to continue the inner journey I started here after leaving the Continent. What if I forget all that I learned about the world and myself? What if I go back to being the same person I was before I learned these things? What if my life doesn't bring me back here to continue exploring this Old World that I have come to love so much? What if the people I have met, and come to both admire and care for forget me entirely? What if wanting to stay connected just isn't tangible enough for reality?

The thing is that I know if I make the time and space for something in my life then I can have it. If I am willing to make some sacrifices then I can certainly return to Europe on a semi-regular basis for any number of reasons to continue what I have begun. There's typical trips, cultural exchanges, religious exchanges, Taize, language schools, and working abroad in any number of capacities. For some reason I have wanted to work abroad all my life at various stages, then the reality of America and immigration set in and I forgot about this desire. It seems it has come full circle after having a taste of life outside of our colossal America and, in my experience, it is best to follow one's instincts in all matters so important as life-altering decisions.

I have to remind myself that this is like every other challenge I have faced in my life- I just have to face it head-on and remember how important it is to me. I am so excited to start my adult life, my career, to try out Alaska full time and see how it goes. I have a lot of wonderful opportunities ahead in the next 18 months. After that, who knows? At this point I'm prepared to consider that I might have to take another [shorter] gap between real jobs if the market still sucks in the fall of 2011, or maybe look outside of Alaska if I can't find something there that will teach me enough quickly enough. I must remain flexible, always, and never settle for anything less than an opportunity that is both exciting and educational (with the sacrifice often being lack of a high salary).

The bottom line is that, while I'm so sad to be leaving now, I am also very excited about my quickly approaching future and I have so much life and career left to experience, both at home and abroad.