More Winter Blues...

The past two days have been emotionally very difficult. Nothing in particular has happened, but for some reason I have been getting out of bed in the morning feeling defeated and the rest of my day has followed suit. Things are fine at home and at work, no catastrophes have come about, but the little things are really starting to get to me.

Yesterday I weighed myself for the first time in a few weeks. After my bike needed repairs and before I joined the gym there was nearly a two week period where I didn't get any exercise. So I wasn't too surprised yesterday when I weighed 1.5 lbs more than the last time I weighed myself. However, I was surprised this morning when I weighed ANOTHER 1.5 lbs more than yesterday! That's a tough way to start the day. In fact, my current weight is only a little lower than it was when I had my mandatory health exam in France and the nurse so kindly pointed out, "YOU NEED.... TO BE.... MORE THIN!"

Fabulous. I'm working my ass off (literally, this morning my ass is so sore I can't tell you, and my quads are so tired I can barely control my legs while walking downstairs) every day to no avail. Yeah, I took a break but I didn't eat my weight in pizza or anything like that! Meanwhile, aside from some small slip-ups, I eat very healthily and I even keep track of my calories on my phone. Every day I've been running a calorie deficit (eating less than I burn) and still my progress is minor at best and typically non-existent. It's defeating and frustrating and makes me feel like I'm not in control of my own health.

Otherwise, I'm still coming to terms with the whole "stuck in Anchorage forever" feeling I'm getting. The combination of lack of funds and bad weather means I'm probably not going anywhere until March or so. On top of that Leigh is going home for Christmas for 4 days (per her family's insistence), leaving me to myself for that time. I guess it's OK to have some alone time, but altogether the situation really sucks.

THEN yesterday I found out my bar dues for 2011 would be $120 MORE than I had aniticipated. Last year dues were $500, which is pretty steep by any measure, this year it's $620!!! The reasons cited by the Alaska Bar Association are lame and selfish, mostly saying there aren't enough lawyers in Alaska to fund everything the Bar Association does every year and that the Board of Governors couldn't agree on any "fat" to trim in their budget. Well, when the "fat" consists of their perks and salaries I can imagine it would be difficult to come to a consensus! Last year the Bar had an operating budget in excess of $1.6 million (that's just counting bar fees from the nearly 3,200 members), so I'd love to see an expense report to know where our money goes. One thing is for sure, the Bar Association has a very nice office suite in downtown Anchorage and their office staff is paid very well (I saw an ad for their CLE coordinator in the newspaper, the job requires administrative experience ONLY and pays $42,000 per year! So in January I will pay nearly 1/4 of my income for the month to a mandatory professional governing body so that someone with less than half my education and experience can earn nearly the same salary I do as a law clerk with a JD?).

OK, rant over, but believe me this little tidbit of information isn't helping my mood. I was already stressed about how to pay my dues in January and had decided to petition my relatives to make small contributions as my Christmas gifts to help me chip away at the amount. Now it will be an even bigger challenge.

Those are probably the major issues on my mind these days. I'm really stuck in a funk. I want to enjoy my daily life, my job, my time at home and my hobbies but all I can think about are the things that keep me down. Hopefully I will experience at least a small victory very soon to set me back on track because, as we all know, nobody likes a buzz-kill.