Baby Talk

Leigh and I have been talking about having a baby for years, but only recently have we really decided to do it. We're in no position to make this happen immediately, of course, as I need a permanent job and Leigh needs to get settled into her own job. We also don't have a suitable living space right now and want to pay off some small debts. So the plan is to get a better place to live (rental or buy if we can get a mortgage), pay off our credit cards, and try for a pregnancy. By our calculations we'll be all set by mid-2012.

Anyway, this is all very exciting and sometimes we can hardly contain ourselves when we see brand new babies and little kids in public. Their parents are so lucky. When our friends get pregnant or deliver we both initially feel a pang of jealousy, but then quickly become so happy for them we can hardly stand it. I've also been watching "16 & Pregnant" on MTV, which tends to make me so angry: Leigh and I could never have an "oops!" baby, but if we did it would be the happiest occasion. Meanwhile these kids didn't even have to try and they have a baby, which if we're all being honest they would prefer to not have. It seems so unfair.

Then last night when we were talking about moving and having a baby and how fun/challenging it will be Leigh said, "What are we going to do with a baby? I mean, do you ever think we're just kidding ourselves? That maybe this is just another one of those things we don't get?"

Yeah, I do feel that way a lot. I don't know why because the truth is we're going to be good at it. We're stable, we're crazy about each other, we're educated and have varied interests, and we really want the baby as opposed to people who get stuck with "surprise!" children and have to make it work. A child could be a lot less lucky than to have us as parents. But there's that feeling I can't quite shake that we're not good enough for this. It's for other people to do and we'll just fuck it up. Odds are that everyone has that fear, but for us I think it stems less from fear of failure and more that we've always lived in a world where we are made to feel like sub-human, second class citizens with fewer rights and privileges. Everything has always been just a little bit harder for us and we've had to make adjustments accordingly. Having a baby is going to be very hard, and expensive, for us, almost to the point that it seems like we're trying to force something that just shouldn't happen.

This is the saddest, scariest feeling I've ever had about myself and my future. All I've ever wanted was a solid, happy family and the chance to give someone else the supportive, loving home I never had. But now we've voiced the fear that maybe this simply is not meant to be. Because we are who we are, we'll push forward with our plans because, odds are this is just another thing that is going to be a little bit more difficult for us but will be just fine in the end.