You're Always On My Mind....

There are two things I think about CONSTANTLY: my career and travel. OK, I also think about my other half and our furry children pretty much all the time too, but I know I have nothing to worry about there. The other two obsessions, however, are a constant source of emotional pull and frequently a source of worry.

My clerkship ends in September. That means no more job. That means I have to look for something now in hopes of getting an offer in March or April (ideally) or at least over the summer (if my resume just isn't that attractive). So far I have applied for posted positions at two very different firms and I sent a resume to a head hunter for a spot on their government contract team (that's a complicated story that I'll only tell if I get interviewed/hired). This week I'm focusing on preparing an application packet for the State of Alaska in their civil division. All of these sound really exciting and will pay my bills for the foreseeable future.

At this point my only true fear is a) being unemployed or b) that my next job won't pay me significantly more than I earn now (not that I'm money-hungry, but I could make more money than I do now without the expense of a law degree, so it's a cashing in on my educational investment issue rather than a greediness issue).

My other obsession is travel. I love to travel. I love travel more than I love eating, shopping, being lazy, or pretty much anything else decadent you can think of. Until last week I was 99% sure I was going to Europe this spring just for the hell of it. I was so excited. Then reality struck: I'd be taking more than 2 weeks off from work; I would spend my entire tax return and then some; we need to make some minor repairs to the house; we have some medical bills we should pay; I might be out of work for some months next year and we could really use every extra penny; I might get offered a job interview during the weeks I'm away and therefore lose a job opportunity. So I'm postponing my trip, possibly indefinitely. Best case scenario: I take 3 weeks off between my clerkship and my next job to go on a trip. Worst case scenario: I don't get to travel at all for a long time.

Mostly I love that some people have figured out a way to combine travel and multiculturalism with their careers. On one end of the spectrum you have vagabonds, or people who work seasonally then quit and travel till their money runs out. This is less than ideal for me because I have massive student debt and I went to law school so I could do something meaningful with my life. On the other end of the spectrum you have hot shots, or people whose companies fly them around for work stuff. Hot shots sometimes only get to see the airport, their hotel and a series of conference rooms. That sounds lame.

Anyway, my dream job would strike a balance and pay me a livable wage. At this moment in time I'm not really in a position to take on a travel job: Leigh loves her job here in Anchorage and needs more time to settle into her company before trying to go mobile. I'm too new of an attorney to get a hot shot job and unwilling to live a life of poverty as a vagabond. So I need a few years to marinate in my lawyer-ness before making the big change. Rest assured, I have a few tricks up my sleeve so that I will hopefully, one day, have the option to travel for a living and still do something with my education.

So these two topics have been taking over my mind lately. Leigh and I are having a string of "well if this happens then we should..." conversations. It's fun to fantasize, but mostly just frustrating. I hate not knowing what I'll be doing next. I hate not knowing where my next paycheck is coming from. I really hate not being able to make plans for the next 6 months because we have to save money in case I'm out of work for a while.

So that's what's on my mind and what I've been up to the past few weeks. Nothing really exciting. I mostly feel like I've been sitting in an uncomfortable waiting room for a really, really long time....

6th Anniversary

Last weekend was my 6th wedding anniversary. Leigh and I used a Groupon to stay at a brand new property in Homer, AK. Our cabin was partially underground with a view of Kachemak Bay. The weather was clear and sunny, the skiing was fun, the food was delicious. It was pretty amazing.

Sunset over Kachemak Bay

It was a weekend that allowed us to celebrate our relationship, but most importantly the friendship that makes up our relationship. We did the things we love doing together: cooking, chilling out, skiing, and exploring new places. We both love to do a lot of different things, but most importantly we love sharing those experiences with each other.

Leigh getting her ski on. She's so pretty.

So we had a great weekend. Things are going better in a lot of ways too. My work is less stressful, mostly because my work environment has been more relaxed the past week or so. I don't know what changed, but I'm glad it did. Now I'm slowly applying for job opportunities to start in the late summer or early fall. So far I have found three that sound interesting. This weekend we're hosting friends for dinner. Next month we're taking a ski trip with some friends of mine from work. In all life is stable, if not pretty darn good.

It's amazing how a weekend away to decompress can change your perspective on things.

Mid-January

OK, so it's been a few weeks since I've posted everything and for good reason: not much is going on up here in the Great White North. We've had more snow and more subzero weather, my house is a wreck, my puppy needs more time outside (but it's too cold for her to play comfortably), and I'm back to working full time after 2 glorious weeks away from the office. That's about it.

The only thing that has really changed is that I joined a gym (yikes!). Leigh and I joined a really nice gym with multiple locations. I've been attending various classes most days during the week, then making up for the burned calories by eating a lot on the weekends. Good plan, right?

This weekend is Leigh's and my 6th wedding anniversary. We're celebrating by going to Homer for a few days. We used a Groupon to get a great cabin near ski trails and are planning to explore the Kenai a little bit. Cannelle is going to stay overnight at a daycare facility and Juneau gets the house to her herself. It should be a good weekend for the whole family!

But for today I'm working on a government holiday (so I can have this Friday off for the anniversary). The agenda for today is research in the morning, gym for lunch, then back to the office for some writing/job applications.

Well, I'd better get started!

What do we want and when do we want it?

Quick Answers: Everything and Now.

I read a book review for "Cruel Optimism" by Lauren Berlant. It sounds like a complicated book about our world views, our desires, our choices, etc. Heavy stuff. But this post isn't about the book, it's about a comment on the book. The blogger makes a comment about clinging desperately to the paradox of predictability and security — “buy this car to go to work, go to work to pay for this car.”

Hitting the nail on the head. When visiting with my dad two weeks ago he was talking about how his income plummeted between his last year working and his first year of retirement. OK, this is an obvious reality of retirement and my dad isn't stupid, but I think it's one of those realities that doesn't really set in until you're in the thick of it. You go from having a steady, substantial paycheck twice per month to no paycheck, just a dwindling balance in your savings accounts. That must be a bit of a shock. As the astute know-it-all daughter I reminded him about his monthly costs while he was working. My dad drove 55 miles each way to work, maintained a heavy duty vehicle that could travel this distance each day, bought work clothes, lunches, etc each month to maintain his employment. In other words, working can be expensive.

The quote above reminds me of living to work or working to live. As a person who tries very hard to value life for what it is, rather than the things acquired during life, it's sometimes hard to make certain life choices. I didn't start valuing life for living it until after law school. That is, after I had shelled out six figures in student loans for my degree, after I started down a path toward a life of long hours working and 4 weeks paid vacations. Now I'm in a situation where I have to work a certain level of job to pay for my education in hopes of regaining what I had to begin with: the freedom to choose where to go next and what to do. Depressing? A little bit.

So now I wonder about all the things I want the most: upgrades to my house, a new car, a healthier body, a new job. Which of these are to improve my life? Which of them are to sustain a life that consists of acquiring things rather than seeking experiences? What does my life situation say about my New Year's Resolution (focusing on fitness)?

The upgrades to my house will serve several purposes. For one thing, a house is an investment. We plan to live in our house for several years and then rent it out or sell it, hopefully for a profit. Improvements like new cabinets, carpeting, and enclosing our back porch will make the home more functional while we are working and saving and will make the house more attractive when it comes time to cash in. In this way, our home improvements are mostly about acquiring things but can also be used as an avenue to the life we want when we are done building our careers.

A new car: this is completely about acquiring things. If I were living as an expat somewhere, traveling, or having some other life filled with adventure I would probably not have a car at all. They are expensive, polluting, and not necessary to own except for work.

A healthier body: everybody wants to be sexy and to like the body they inhabit. That is a materialistic attitude, but it's inescapable. Anyone who says they don't care about their body is a liar. Also, the world we live in favors those who take care of themselves. Whether it's politicaly correct or not, I'm more likely to have the job opportunities I want if I am in good shape and take good care of my skin, hair, and clothing. I am no exception to these shallow ideals, but my real motivation is my health. If I don't take diet and exercise seriously I won't live as long as I want to. End of story. In addition, a lot of the experiences I hope to have in my life require me to have certain strength and stamina. So I joined a gym to give myself greater access to healthy choices and nice amenities.

A new job: For me, for the job I want next, this falls squarely within the work to live category. I worked really hard to have the privilege to work a certain kind of job. I'd like to cash in on that. Additionally, I've spent a lot of money to earn this privilege, I'd like to pay off my debts and save for the future. Also, I want to be good at my job, good at something and help create something, even if it's another subsidiary for a major corporation. All of these things sound great, but the bottom line is that the job I want will cause me to work long, hard hours for many years. I will spend a lot of the money I earn in this job on a car to transport me to my office, clothing for client meetings, and vacations to unwind from working so hard. The alternative would be choosing a life without a law degree, owing little in student loans, working various unglamorous but fulfilling jobs, and enjoying a daily routine that includes equal stress to relaxation. My paycheck would be small but so would my bills and my freedom would be almost unlimited.

So yeah, I'm in a bit of a pickle at this point, but what can I do? Well, I can enjoy the life I'm building and see where it takes me. If I don't find the job I'm looking for perhaps that will lead me elsewhere. If I do find it and hate it, I need to have the courage to recognize that and make the necessary changes.

In the meantime I must challenge myself to analyze every decision I make as part of the bigger picture: Am I doing this to sustain my obligations to others or to enrich my life on a larger scale? I suspect that sometimes the answer will be disappointing, but the more I ask the question the more likely I will have an outcome that I am proud of.

The Big Trip

The much-anticipated Christmas vacation of 2011 has come and gone. Our big trip started at 2am on December 20. A mere 14 hours later we landed in Orlando, picked up a rental car and drove to New Smyrna Beach, Florida where we had arranged to stay at the vacation condo of my friend's parents. Upon arrival our jaws dropped to the floor. The condo was bigger than our house in Anchorage and filled to the brim with fine furnishings and artwork. It was easily the most comfortable place we've stayed for several years (or maybe ever).

After a night of sleeping like the dead and waking up to the sun rising over the beach, we hit the ground running. Day 1 was spent shopping till we dropped, literally. We hit the Orlando outlet malls hard. I spent my shopping allowance over the course of about 12 hours. Leigh put a nice dent in hers, but failed to find several things she had really hoped for. So picky.

We celebrated our gluttony with more gluttony by dining at the Melting Pot. We're never really big on chain restaurants, but when we travel Down South it's hard to not want to indulge in the things that Anchorage doesn't have. We had a delicious 4-course meal that was the perfect portion size for two hungry girls without pushing us over the edge. I had a glass of pinot noir too. Yum!

Day 2 was spent at Islands of Adventure. My dad bought us tickets for the Wizarding World of Harry Potter as our Christmas gift (Thanks Dad!). We didnt' realize until we arrived at the theme park that our tickets gave us access to all of the Islands of Adventure! On the way to Harry Potter we passed through 3 or 4 different "islands." That was a fun surprise. At Harry Potter we toured Hogwarts, rode the Flight of the Hippogriff, drank butterbeer, ate at the Three Broomsticks and spent way too much money on t-shirts and such. It was really fun and the crowds were just barely tolerable.

Ah, refreshing butterbeer. OK, it was tasty, but way too rich. I took me nearly and hour to drink one mug of it.

Aside from Harry Potter, my favorite discovery at the park was Suisselanding, the Doctor Suisse themed "island." I even made Leigh ride the carousel of Suisse creatures. The colors and sounds were a feast for the senses. It was pretty amazing and reminded me how wonderful Doctor Suisse stories are. There was even a small forest of Truffula Trees from The Lorax, my personal favorite.

Truffula Trees

My parents and nephew met us at the condo that evening to hang out for the night and into the next day. It was great seeing my dad and having them there to enjoy the comfortable amenities with us. I hadn't seen my nephew in over two years, so it was fun to reconnect with him too. We spent a whole day enjoying the warm weather, the beach, and the little town. That evening we drove to Jacksonville, where my brother and his family live.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were spent with my brother's family at his house in Jacksonville. They had decorated the front room and my sister-in-law had a huge meal planned. On Christmas Eve we sat down together to decorate a ginger bread house. I'd never done this before and it was actually really fun to have everyone work on a section and put them all together.

The Gingerbread house builders: Asa (brother), Leigh, Isaiah (nephew), Dad, me, Donna (step-mom) and Cilla (sister-in law, behind the camera).

The final product:
On Boxing Day Leigh and I got up at 3am or so to catch a flight to Greensboro, NC. We picked up a rental car and drove 4 hours to Vansant, VA to spend about a week with Leigh's family. Unfortunately both of her siblings had to go back to work pretty soon after we arrived, but Leigh got a day or so with each before they left. The rest of the week we mostly chilled out, watched movies, and ate way too much. It was great to see Leigh's family and for her to have lots of quality time with her mom and grandparents.

We are now back in Anchorage, tired, achy from flights, and a few pounds heavier. My house is slightly upside down from hosting 3 dogs while we were away (we had a house-sitter who very kindly watched Cannelle, a friend's dog and her own dog at our house!), I haven't unpacked and this first day back at work has been a slow one. This evening I'm getting a massage and chiropractic adjustment to undo the damage of 14 hour plane rides and sleeping on soft mattresses. Starting tomorrow hopefully my life will be back on track including a healthy diet, regular exercise, and a sustainable routine.

In all it was a good trip but, like all family-centered holidays, we came home feeling like we need a vacation. Good thing we have a weekend getaway planned for January 20 (our anniversary) and a trip to Seattle in the works for this summer or fall. Oh, and next year we're celebrating the holidays in Hawai'i!