What do we want and when do we want it?

Quick Answers: Everything and Now.

I read a book review for "Cruel Optimism" by Lauren Berlant. It sounds like a complicated book about our world views, our desires, our choices, etc. Heavy stuff. But this post isn't about the book, it's about a comment on the book. The blogger makes a comment about clinging desperately to the paradox of predictability and security — “buy this car to go to work, go to work to pay for this car.”

Hitting the nail on the head. When visiting with my dad two weeks ago he was talking about how his income plummeted between his last year working and his first year of retirement. OK, this is an obvious reality of retirement and my dad isn't stupid, but I think it's one of those realities that doesn't really set in until you're in the thick of it. You go from having a steady, substantial paycheck twice per month to no paycheck, just a dwindling balance in your savings accounts. That must be a bit of a shock. As the astute know-it-all daughter I reminded him about his monthly costs while he was working. My dad drove 55 miles each way to work, maintained a heavy duty vehicle that could travel this distance each day, bought work clothes, lunches, etc each month to maintain his employment. In other words, working can be expensive.

The quote above reminds me of living to work or working to live. As a person who tries very hard to value life for what it is, rather than the things acquired during life, it's sometimes hard to make certain life choices. I didn't start valuing life for living it until after law school. That is, after I had shelled out six figures in student loans for my degree, after I started down a path toward a life of long hours working and 4 weeks paid vacations. Now I'm in a situation where I have to work a certain level of job to pay for my education in hopes of regaining what I had to begin with: the freedom to choose where to go next and what to do. Depressing? A little bit.

So now I wonder about all the things I want the most: upgrades to my house, a new car, a healthier body, a new job. Which of these are to improve my life? Which of them are to sustain a life that consists of acquiring things rather than seeking experiences? What does my life situation say about my New Year's Resolution (focusing on fitness)?

The upgrades to my house will serve several purposes. For one thing, a house is an investment. We plan to live in our house for several years and then rent it out or sell it, hopefully for a profit. Improvements like new cabinets, carpeting, and enclosing our back porch will make the home more functional while we are working and saving and will make the house more attractive when it comes time to cash in. In this way, our home improvements are mostly about acquiring things but can also be used as an avenue to the life we want when we are done building our careers.

A new car: this is completely about acquiring things. If I were living as an expat somewhere, traveling, or having some other life filled with adventure I would probably not have a car at all. They are expensive, polluting, and not necessary to own except for work.

A healthier body: everybody wants to be sexy and to like the body they inhabit. That is a materialistic attitude, but it's inescapable. Anyone who says they don't care about their body is a liar. Also, the world we live in favors those who take care of themselves. Whether it's politicaly correct or not, I'm more likely to have the job opportunities I want if I am in good shape and take good care of my skin, hair, and clothing. I am no exception to these shallow ideals, but my real motivation is my health. If I don't take diet and exercise seriously I won't live as long as I want to. End of story. In addition, a lot of the experiences I hope to have in my life require me to have certain strength and stamina. So I joined a gym to give myself greater access to healthy choices and nice amenities.

A new job: For me, for the job I want next, this falls squarely within the work to live category. I worked really hard to have the privilege to work a certain kind of job. I'd like to cash in on that. Additionally, I've spent a lot of money to earn this privilege, I'd like to pay off my debts and save for the future. Also, I want to be good at my job, good at something and help create something, even if it's another subsidiary for a major corporation. All of these things sound great, but the bottom line is that the job I want will cause me to work long, hard hours for many years. I will spend a lot of the money I earn in this job on a car to transport me to my office, clothing for client meetings, and vacations to unwind from working so hard. The alternative would be choosing a life without a law degree, owing little in student loans, working various unglamorous but fulfilling jobs, and enjoying a daily routine that includes equal stress to relaxation. My paycheck would be small but so would my bills and my freedom would be almost unlimited.

So yeah, I'm in a bit of a pickle at this point, but what can I do? Well, I can enjoy the life I'm building and see where it takes me. If I don't find the job I'm looking for perhaps that will lead me elsewhere. If I do find it and hate it, I need to have the courage to recognize that and make the necessary changes.

In the meantime I must challenge myself to analyze every decision I make as part of the bigger picture: Am I doing this to sustain my obligations to others or to enrich my life on a larger scale? I suspect that sometimes the answer will be disappointing, but the more I ask the question the more likely I will have an outcome that I am proud of.