Hawai'i Bound

It's been a long, long few weeks here in Alaska. Temperatures are fluctuating between single digits and mid-30s, but are steadily getting a little warmer every day. We now have about 12 hours of daylight and there are massive puddles of melted snow in parking lots and roads. These are signs of good things (summer) and bad things (standing water, flooding, icy pavement until June).

Clerkship life continues on. I've been very busy and just as frustrated as ever. Highlights from the last few weeks include being told my memo was "useless" and then instructed not to find that comment "unflattering." Um, OK. This week the boss man is out of town so it's just me and the secretary who hates me and leaves me to watch the office alone all the time. Yesterday she scolded me for not sufficiently completing her job duties when she takes afternoons off (meaning literally every day the boss man is out of the office). About 20 minutes later I forwarded her an email from the boss man re: a calendering matter. She then burst into my office and yelled at me, asking why I sent her an email instead of speaking with her in person. I explained that the email contained all of the information and I thought she'd appreciate seeing exactly what our instructions are. Am I crazy for using a tool like email to increase office efficiency?

Whatever. These people have deeper problems than I can wrap my head around...

All this work business is keeping me from tending to my new obsession with apartmenttherapy.com. This is probably a good thing because I'm going out of town on Saturday. At this point I'm already leaving a few project halfway finished. The last thing I need is more inspiration leading to me to start new ones only to leave more rooms in my house halfway decorated while I'm on vacation.

Speaking of vacation: Some weeks ago I was having daily pity parties after work, sometimes complete with tears. The wanderlust side of me needed to get out of town and the abused law clerk side of me needed a break from seeing my co-workers. Leigh has no time off, so she ordered me to book a trip somewhere. First I tried Europe, but the airlines wouldn't let me use my air miles for the dates I wanted. Then I thought I'd hike to Machu Picchu in Peru, but again the airlines had no space for poor little me. So Leigh says, "just go to Hawai'i. It's exotic, the food is good, and it's relaxing." So I used my air miles, reserved a car, and paid for a campsite. The grand total was $250 for a week in paradise. Not too shabby. I fly out Saturday afternoon and return on Thursday April 5. Hopefully this is exactly the break I need.... but I am really going to miss Leigh while I'm gone....

House Ideas

So yeah, I'm completely obsessed with http://www.apartmenttherapy.com . To the point where I spend all my "non-working" work time browsing for ideas. So far I have all kinds of ideas for our house to make it a more use able space. Now I just have to hope (1) I don't totally screw this up (because I don't really have an eye for colors or anything and (2) it doesn't get too expensive.

Bedroom: Right now our bedroom is 4 different colors (thanks to previous owner!): purple, green, light green, and white. Yeah, I know. We already have a bed frame and some nice Danish Modern dressers we plan to keep. But we have bedside tables and my closet is in serious need of organizational therapy. Plus we've only decorated minimally, mostly by sticking art on the walls when we first moved in simply to keep from having it in boxes indefinitely.

The plan- we bought a grayish taupe paint for the entire room. No accent walls. We'll have new gray carpet installed in about 6 weeks. We're going for calm and simple. The bed will go against the wall between our closets, with an Ikea Lack floating shelf over the headboard to use as a bedside table (for a lamp, our phone chargers, and some photos). I might put a wall hanging up to give the area a softness and some color.

We'll rethink our art choices for the room to keep the colors and themes in line. I definitely want to order a print of this French wine label. I've had my eye on it for about a year. We'll get it framed and hang it opposite to the bed on a large, empty wall. We also have a beautiful original of a tree we bought from a street artist in Hawaii that will also have a prominent place in the room. With some closet organization the room should become a calming, functional space.

The spare room: I described this room in detail before, so I'll just repost the picture because I like it so much. In addition to a closet work space we'll have the same new carpet installed. The walls are yellow (my choice when we moved in), so the room will have a bright, airy feel. Eventually we want to buy a klick-klack futon for guests, but ultimately we're keeping this room very simple as a flex space.

Living Room- The living room will stay about the same for now because we have a nice color scheme, a nice couch, and recently bought a new entertainment hutch. The space is looking really good. The only changes I plan to make are rearranging our wall art.

Kitchen- this is going to be a big project. After trolling Ikea for hours last night Leigh and I decided to take a trip to Seattle next spring and sit with a kitchen designer. Ikea's website has beautiful, large kitchens for $1000-4500. I can't imagine we'd spend more than $3,000 on the whole project. Our kitchen is a small, "two butt," galley style kitchen. I'd love to have a mini version of this kitchen, with cabinets to suit our storage needs and an island with storage and a breakfast bar in our current eat-in kitchen. We can have Ikea deliver our new kitchen to the Alaska Marine Lines docks in Seattle, then contract with AML to barge our kitchen (and other purchases) to Anchorage. Once in Anchorage we'll have to find a handy man to install it for us.

Porch- Right now we have a large, homemade porch in our backyard with sliding door access from the kitchen. The porch is fine, but not that functional, and we could really use some more space. For several months Leigh and I have talked about putting an addition on the house. basically we'd break down our current porch, recycle the materials to have a professional porch built, then enclose the porch to make an extra room off the back of the house. We'll lose our porch, but we're also planning to convert part of our yard into a stone patio this summer.

The new room would serve as a second living space that is designed to handle things like muddy boots, dog paws, snow gear, etc. We're thinking it'll have a standard exterior door with a dog door installed, plus a series of large windows facing the yard to let in light. I'd love a skylight or two if possible.

But here's the fun part, we're going to design the room to fit our lifestyle. We want a small wood stove to heat the space so the puppy can stay there while we're at work (no more midday naps on the sofa, Cannelle!) to contain the doggy smell to one room. We'll also put in some seating near the wood stove for reading or enjoying some sunlight. Since we'll forfeit our dining table with our new kitchen island, we want to store a dining table on the wall of the new room like this:

We typically eat at our dining table or on the couch, so we don't actually need a big dining table. But sometimes we have people over for dinner or celebrate holidays. In that case we will need the option of a proper table. This is the best of both worlds: we'll have a simple space to eat on ordinary days (the new breakfast bar) and we can pull the table off the wall and set it up in the addition for entertaining.

Our current entry way is a very small landing at the front door. There's almost no storage and we have a pile of snowy boots creating a puddle all the time. When we build the addition we'll start using the back door most of the time. As you come in the back door, there will be a nice basin with a drain and hose in the corner, plus plenty of coat and hat storage, maybe even space to prop up your skis, etc. This will keep all of the snow and mud in a space that is easy to wash and out of the way. As an added bonus, the basin will be a fully functioning dog bath area (no more baths in my bathtub, Cannelle!) and great for hosing off garden boots and such.

So that's our plan. Aside from big items like the addition and kitchen cabinets, none of these ideas are terribly expensive or drastic, but they are all innovative. I have apartmenttherapy.com to thank for most of these ideas and my own stir craziness to thank for the motivation to put them to use! I suspect that this summer will be filled with weekend projects and, hopefully, next spring will mean a new kitchen and plans for an addition!

A Good Weekend

This winter has been really hard. It's almost the end of march and I have at least 3 feet of snow piled up in my yard. There's a good 6-10 inches of packed snow between my car tires and the surface of the driveway. Every outdoor surface is slick with snow, ice, or that bumpy ice that you get when everything turns slushy for a day then re-freezes overnight. I should really post some pictures of my yard and such for full effect, but alas, I never think to do this.

For several weeks now we've been using our weekends mostly to feel sorry for ourselves: hanging around at home, grabbing junk food, occasionally cleaning the house from top to bottom, stuff like that. The puppy hasn't been too pleased with our lack of enthusiasm on our days off and we weren't making any progress on our DIY projects.

Then two things happened: Daylight Savings Time and ApartmentTherapy.com.

The days are slowly getting longer and soon we'll be back to the land of the midnight sun. But this didn't really set in until this weekend. Last night I looked outside at a nice, sunny evening only to realize it was almost 8:00 PM! Last time I checked 8:00 PM meant pitch black darkness and subzero temperatures! We will likely have a semi-snowy summer, but at least we'll have some typical Alaskan daylight to enjoy.

Apartmenttherapy.com is the most amazing website I've discovered since http://icanhascheezburger.com/. Everyday there's at least 10 posts I want to read or just look at the pictures of well-designed, organized, and useful spaces that most people could afford to incorporate (at least in part) to their homes. Last week I found this post and this picture:

It's a walk-in closet converted into a home office. In case you didn't know, our spare room consisted of a $20 desk and filing cabinet (Craigslist), a funky blue dresser (Craigslist), a blue sleeper sofa from our old apartment (Craigslist), and a pile of boxes filled with our books, plus a walk in closet filled with linens, luggage, and sports gear. Not pretty.

So on Saturday I listed our furniture on Craigslist and sold everything but the couch in about 2 hours. Then we headed to Home Depot. 2 1/2 hours later we had purchased: replacement spindles for the ones on our banister our friend's dog ate, a large white slab of melamine, spare boards cut to length, hardware, and paint supplies.

Then I spent Sunday staining and installing the banister spindles (success!), repainting the trim in the spare room (success!), and clearing out the spare room closet (now the whole room is a huge mess). Then I installed the melamine in the closet as a desktop. Leigh and I tested different shelving configurations with the cheap shelving that came with the house. Nothing was quite right.

Then Leigh dropped a bomb on me: let's scrap this and just order what we really want from Ikea! OK, so I'd just spent $50 and my whole Sunday on this project, but it looked like a project I'd attempt in college when I had no money. I'm a grown up. This is my spare room. I want to enjoy working in this space. This is where I'll spend many hours when my career gets harder and I'm working from home late at night or on weekends. It's also our guest room and I want our guests to feel like they're in a well-designed space.

So we spent $185 on a desk and shelving from Ikea (for the work space and for our bedroom) plus $105 in shipping. OK, I know that's a lot for shipping. But consider that Alaskan retailers only ship the most basic merchandise for us to purchase (hence us buying ugly melamine for a desktop as there was nothing much to choose from!) and charge us a premium for those items. Basically we could get a piece of shit desk from Target for $80+ and cheap shelves for $15-25 each. Instead we ordered exactly what we wanted: well-designed, easy to install items for the same amount (retail plus shipping) we'd spend on lesser items here. I can live with that. Estimated delivery date is April 10.

In the mean time I have to tear out all the crap I put up in the closet and find a new home for it. We're going to repaint our bedroom and the inside of the closet a nice taupe color too. Also, we're having our upstairs measured for new carpet on Monday!!! That won't be installed until May or so, but soon enough we'll have a completely functional multipurpose room and a more organized bedroom. I promise to post pictures when the time comes.

Working on the house definitely makes me feel more accomplished and happier despite this endless winter. Now if we could just get rid of all this snow!

Reality Check-list

Things I Have NOT Been Doing Lately:

• Skiing (aside from last weekend, when I went twice)- a major source of exercise and winter fun, but I've been sitting on my ass a lot
• Hitting the gym- For weeks I was going twice a day, 3-5 days per week. Since getting the flu a few weeks ago I've been getting maybe 3 workouts per week. Pathetic.
• Eating well- Actually, I always eat well, but here lately I've also been eating poorly way too often. Leigh and I have initiated a junk food Fridays rule- we only get to pig out one day per week, on Fridays, preferably after going to the gym at least once that day. Last Friday we ate a Costco pizza (yes, a whole one!), packing almost 2,000 calories per person. Yeah, I know...
• Applying for jobs- I was on a roll for a few weeks and applied for three local jobs and a few out of town ones. Since then most of the job openings posted locally are for positions I'm not really qualified for or have no interest in. But there is one new one and a few more Fed jobs, I just need to get my stuff together!
• Cleaning and baking- dog hair dust bunnies abound at home, my side of the bedroom is covered in clothes (dirty and clean), and it's been weeks since I baked a healthy loaf of bread or dessert. Result? My house is messy, smells like a dog, and I tend to break down and buy "unclean" sweet foods when I need a fix. Oh yeah, and my Girl Scout Cookies order came in today. Lord, help me!

Things I HAVE Been Doing Lately:

• Watching The West Wing on DVD (a lot)
• Eating (a lot)- see above
• Feeling bored- I can only blame my own lack of motivation.
• Reading a foreign policy book for the FSOT- this is a good move, but I should be doing more because the June test is going to sneak up on me. Not that I have to pass the first time, but considering that this process has several testing stages I should do my best to get as far as I can on each attempt. So I need to read faster...
• Brainstorming ways to get back on track- I even bought a day planner and started using it this morning. We'll see how that goes.
• Worrying about finding a new job- maybe if I applied to more I could rest a little easier, but in truth I won't feel better about this until I have an offer in hand
• Daydreaming about trips I can't take- Europe appears to be off the table for now, unless I get a job lined up and we have some extra money to work with this summer/fall. I also really want to go to Hawaii for a week, but Leigh doesn't have any time off and (again) we have no extra money right now. Honestly, I'd be happy to go anywhere for a change of scenery. It seems absurd to have so much time off saved up (about 16 days!) and not have any plans to use it. The good news is that I get the cash balance of any unused days off when I finish my clerkship (unless my next job is also with the State, then it just rolls over), so at the very least this will translate into a nice bonus check.

I used to be a go-getter, a "doer," someone who makes lists and checks off every item. I'd like to be that person again. So, does anyone have any ideas to jump start my motivation? To get me back on track?

With that in mind, I should probably finish this memo I've been working on for ages...

A long winter weekend

As a state employee I get a lot of days off, 24 earned PTO days and 13 holidays per year. This past weekend was President's Day. My judge has a tradition where he and his buddies rent out an entire lodge (it's a small property) and do some skiing for the long weekend. In recent years his clerk (that's me) has been charged with renting a 6 bedroom house and filling it with clerks and friends.

A total of 15 impoverished young professionals made their way to Sheep Mountain in the Mat-Su Valley, myself and Leigh included. We spent the weekend hanging out in a big house filled with a ramshackle collection of furniture and eating potluck dishes prepared on electric appliances (there was no running water in winter and no kitchen, I find the second aspect of this much stranger than the first). In between naps and meals we did some skiing.

The trails were short, less than a mile, and ran in loops so we could do just one trail for a quick ski or multiple trails to go a bit longer. The views were great. Skiing in Anchorage is fantastic, but the trails are usually surrounded by trees and the ski overcast from living in a bowl. Having uninterrupted views on a sunny afternoon was a nice change for everyone.

Leigh had to go home Sunday afternoon because she had to work on Monday (poor thing), so I stayed behind and carpooled back to Anchorage with a few friends. The weekend renewed my love of X-C skiing so that now I really want to learn to skate ski, though the season is almost over.

No news on the job search front. My plan right now is to stay in touch with the places I've already applied to (two of which have indicated an interest but asked me to hold off on scheduling an interview until closer to summer) and keep my eyes pealed for new opportunities. I'm currently reading one of a long list of suggested books to prepare for the foreign service exam in June. After I sit for the exam I will reward myself with a $500 Rosetta Stone purchase. I was skeptical at first, but after learning more about the teaching methods I'm convinced that the program will be what I need to give myself a more even education in French. The coolest part, which I just learned about, is that Rosetta Stone allows you to have live video chats with native speakers to practice what you learned in the previous lesson. Along with my regular French conversation dates here in Anchorage I should improve quite a bit, assuming I stick to a schedule. If all goes well I might just pass that language test and get a decent spot on the Econ register next year!

In related news, you may recall that I was planning to go to Europe this spring. Well, that plan was thwarted, mostly by money issues and the small problem that I need to be in town in case I get a job interview in March or April. Plus the friends I was hoping to visit in Germany and Switzerland are very busy this spring. They were willing to host me and were being good sports about the timing, but if I'm being honest it's just best to put this trip off until 1) I have more money and 2) my visit doesn't burden anyone. So now I'm hoping to go in August or September (if I can get a few weeks off in between jobs). If the timing works out I should be able to go for almost a whole month and my other half is giving me the go-ahead on a longer trip because she knows how badly I need to blow off some steam before embarking on a permanent job.

So, IF I can get the time off from my life my trip will look like this: Stopover in Iceland (2 days), Bavaria (3 days), Vienna (4 days), Bratislava (1 day stopover by train), Budapest (3 days), Flight to Geneva (2 days), Taize (6 days), Paris (3 days), plus insert a half day here and there to account for travel time between places. In total I'll be gone 29 or 30 days. It's a long time, but I'll get to see a lot of new places and visit some friends in a few favorite places. Upon my return to the US I will buy my way out of the dog house by presenting my other half with many gifts. Good plan, right?

Alas, I actually have some work to do so I should really try to focus. Only 6 more months of clerking left!

Coming Out

I'm Gay.

OK, you probably already knew that. Even if I happen to have readers who dont' know me personally (that would be shocking), my frequent mention of Leigh and our life together should have tipped you off ages ago. If not, well, maybe you hadn't had your coffee before reading those posts. I don't know. Anyway, that's not what I'm coming out about right now though.

I haven't been posting lately because I wasn't sure how vocal I wanted to be about something that's been on my mind lately. Leigh and I made a pretty huge life decision a few weeks ago, but whether that decision comes to be depends on several factors over which we have very little control. So I haven't blogged about it yet. But since I use this blog to purge a lot of the reverberating thoughts in my head it's probably best for my sanity to just be forthcoming about it and then not allow myself to feel embarrassed if things don't work out for us.

I've decided to join the Foreign Service in the economics career track. Not today, not even next year, but eventually. The selection process is long (18 months+/-) and very difficult (only about 2% of total applicants get a spot). At the earliest this might happen in December of 2013, but it's more likely that I will retake a series of tests each year for several years to come. It really just depends on my test scores, the federal budget for new FS positions, and the needs of the State Department.

So yeah, I'm still looking for a new job in Anchorage, but I don't necessarily plan to stay in that job forever. Obviously I still want my next job to be interesting and a fun environment in which I can grow as a professional because I will, more likely than not, be in that job for at least five years. The State Department's foreign service budget has been whittled down a bit each year since 2010 and it looks like it'll continue in that direction. If Obama isn't reelected I suspect the situation will worsen as a result of Republican influences on the budget. Plus the career track I've chosen is becoming more popular and therefore more competitive. Rather than choose another career track I've decided to be patient so that, if I get a spot, I can look forward to a long career doing something I find fascinating rather than settling for something I find less fascinating.

What is the foreign service? In a nutshell, FSOs are posted at embassies around the world to do a variety of tasks. The work is very interesting and multifaceted. FSOs do everything from grant visas to build business and diplomatic relationships with the host country. It depends on your career track, rank, and job description. FSOs serve "tours" of 2-3 years or so and have to be available to go anywhere in the world, though preference is considered and officers get to rank their preferred locations based on the available jobs and related training involved. It's complicated.

Why do you want to live like a nomad? Um, have we met? I've been wracking my brain for years to find a job in my career field that allows me to work all over the world. Law is jurisdictional, it just is. When lawyers travel a lot for work they don't actually see the place they're visiting. Instead they see the airport, a conference room, and usually a file storage facility before they head back to their home office. Lame.

This is one of several alternative career paths that I'm qualified for where I can actually live abroad long enough to get a sense of a place then look forward to moving to another location for a while. The list of cities where the US has embassies is nothing short of mind-boggling and drool-worthy. Leigh and I would enjoy the chance to live in most regions of the world (there are a few exceptions to this, but so few that I'm really not that concerned about it). I can't help but daydream about tours in Southeast Asia, South America, Cuba, Singapore, and anywhere (yes anywhere) in Europe (Western, Eastern, Central, Southern). I love the idea that choosing my future posts will be like gambling where you never actually lose, learning languages, and inviting relatives to spend their vacations with us wherever we are. Plus I'll serve my country and create professional relationships with a host country. It's a whole career of new experiences and an amazing opportunity to provide my family with an enriching lifestyle.

Anyway, that's the plan: work in Alaska for a while, then hopefully join the Foreign Service.

What will Leigh do, you ask? Depending on her work situation she might continue with her company as a telecommuter or at one of their foreign offices. If that's not possible or if she prefers to stay home with kids or whatever that is also an option. FSOs don't make tons of money, but a lot of basic living costs are covered as part of being at a post and we've certainly survived off very little in the past. Besides, we're simple girls with simple tastes, so we might do OK with just one income.

So, what's next? Well, I still need to find a permanent job starting in September 2012. But in June I'm going to take the FSOT, the initial written exam for the selection process. I don't expect to pass it this time around, but I'm using this as a chance to see what it's like and get a base score. If I fail I can retake it in June 2013. If I pass I'll write an essay. Then I might be invited for an Oral Assessment (part interview, part oral presentation in a group setting). My OA score will determine my position on a register everyone else in the economics career track. Then the State Department will start putting together A-100 training classes for the next 18 months. I will be placed in a class based on my score and the State Dept's needs to fill economic positions. It's all very long and complicated.

So here's My 6-Month To Do List:

1. Study for an enigmatic test

2. Consider buying Rosetta Stone in an attempt to achieve French fluency (passing a fluency test gives applicants a substantial bonus score for their register positions)

3. Find a permanent job

The bottom line is, even if I pass the FSOT in June I will still work for my next employer for at least a year, possibly longer if I don't make it through every stage of the selection process on the first try. So I have to find a job and be good at it because, as I'm currently learning, few things in life are as depressing as feeling like you suck at your job.

Phew, it feels good to list this out and vent a little bit about how involved the process will be. So now, dear reader(s), you'll get lots of stories about job applications, life in Alaska, AND studying for a series of tests. Lucky you!

In other news, I turned 27 today.

Happy Valentines Day

Last week I mostly focused on my job search. I still need to put some time into a few federal jobs, but I'm mostly trying to find something here in Anchorage. Certainly in the next five years Leigh and I will be thinking about moving to the East Coast or Seattle, but for now we're really enjoying building a community and settling into our house.

This weekend we decided to settle in a bit more. We have several nice pieces of furniture, but an equal number of Craigslist finds. The pieces weren't quite fitting together and don't exactly fit the shape of the rooms in our house. The most obvious problem was the armoire we converted to hold our media electronics. It was a little too tall, a little too boxy, and a little too light in color for the room. So we decided to look for something that was either 1) built for a corner or 2) a good size to fit along the opposite wall in the room.

Sunday morning we left the house expecting to spend a very long day looking for a decent deal on sub-par furniture. Our first stop was the JC Penny Furniture Store (in Anchorage the furniture store is separate, I don't know why) because it opened first. We did a lap around the store and quickly found not one, but three well-priced pieces we liked for our house! And, as a sign of our new-found adulthood, all of these pieces are made of real wood (not composite) and came assembled for us (no flat-packing, no instructions!). We found a nice TV console that fits beautifully along a short wall dividing our living and dining areas, a hutch that works well for books and knick-knacks, and a pretty mirror we'll eventually hang on the wall.

By the time we got home I started feeling pretty crummy. I went upstairs to lay down, occasionally dragging myself to the bathroom to throw up, then curled up a bit longer. It was awful. But Leigh, being the focused, sweet, and slightly-OCD person that she is, got to work setting up our new living room. She set up the media system, moved furniture, fluffed pillows, the works. When I emerged from my sick, sleepy stupor I came downstairs to a cozy new space. I stayed home from work yesterday waiting for the nausea and body aches to subside, all the while enjoying our new living room. Photos to come soon.

Anyway, today is Valentines Day and I'm well enough to be at work. I normally strongly dislike Valentines Day, mostly because it detracts from my birthday (which is 2 days later). Selfish? Maybe. But as any holiday-born person will tell you, nothing stinks more than the whole freaking world being doted on when it's supposed to be YOUR DAY!

Oh well, at least Leigh and I get to enjoy a nice lunch together at one of our favorite local diners, Snow City Cafe. This place is pretty awesome: tasty food, walking distance from our offices, waiters with tattoos, and today proceeds are going toward One Anchorage, an LGBT equality group here in Anchorage.

The rest of the week we will probably spend more time tidying up the house and preparing for this weekend. Each year my supervising judge hosts a group at a ski lodge about 1 1/2 hours from Anchorage for some cross-country skiing and hanging out. The judge and his buddies rent out nice cabins and have meals catered. The judge's clerk (that's me) arranges for a group of 10-15 clerks and friends to rent out a big cabin together. We will cook meals, hang out, ski, and have a meal or two catered by the lodge. So Leigh and I will spend Friday packing and preparing dishes to take for the weekend. Cannelle is spending Saturday night with a group of friends down the street and Juneau is looking forward to a quiet weekend alone. It should be a good time for all!

Women in Leadership Roles

It's no secret that I'm looking for a new job. In fact, when am I ever NOT looking for a new job? At least that's how it seems, considering that I started working on the books when I was 15, then I was enrolled in higher education for nearly seven years, always needing to secure a summer internship, and over the past three years have completed three separate one-year contract style jobs with two different employers. Wow, I seem like a flake, but this is pretty normal for someone in my position.

It's also no secret that I'm pretty disenchanted with my current position. My work is either too dull to capture my full attention or so difficult with so little direction that I'm almost certain I'm being set up for failure. The co-workers don't like me for various reasons, mostly because I'm female (I have a supervisor who doesn't communicate well with women and work with two female support staffers who hate their own 20-something daughters. Hatred by proxy, I suppose.). My supervisor has severe mood swings. One day we'll get along OK and the next he'll sit me down for an hour and tell me in more eloquent terms that I am stupid, lazy, inexperienced, sloppy, etc. It does a number on my self-esteem, makes me think I'm not good enough for my profession, and makes me consider running away. A few particularly bad interactions with him led me to spend a remaining portion of the day applying for jobs in Washington, DC and foreign 1-year contract positions in pretty scary locations.

But when I come back down to Earth I remember that this too shall pass and that not every work environment is like this one. There are supportive, encouraging, challenging jobs and colleagues out there. I just need to find the right fit and enjoy working hard with those people. That's one benefit of being in Anchorage now- this is where I want to live and I actually get to interview in person from now on (my clerkship interviews were over the phone).

Today I read this Forbes Thought of the Day. The bottom line was that women need to "put their foot on the pedal and aim high," but there were also important tidbits about creating supportive working environments for girls and young women to get a sense of leadership and run with it:

"What else has to happen before women take their fair share of leadership roles?

I’ve spent the last ten years helping women grow micro businesses into $million companies. ... And here is what I would add to the latest efforts to move more girls – soon to be women – into positions of leadership: adults need to create more opportunities for girls to be brave, curious risk-takers and leaders. Girls need to see and meet women leaders who look like them. Women need to create more places and situations where girls can try being the boss on for size. Girls need to know from women and men that being the boss, being a leader and being in charge are choices that they actively make, not something that happens because they are smart, pretty, sexy, perfect or good enough."

This comment gives me promise that there might just be a job out there where I don't have to feel weird at the interview because I'm a young-looking short girl with short hair who is obviously in desperate need of some positive reinforcement. The best case scenario for me would be a position where at least one of my bosses is a woman, someone I can look up to and learn from, someone who knows what it feels like to be the odd "man" out in a profession based on the illusions of charisma and power.

I'm reminded of my days at Hollins, feeling like I was just as good and capable of achieving anything and just as entitled to opportunity as anyone else. I'm the girl who ran off to Seattle for the summer just to be somewhere different. I'm the girl who moved to France for a year because the economy sucked in 2008. I'm the girl who traveled to Costa Rica, Germany, the UK, Italy, Spain, and Morocco all by herself. Who says I can't do that? Who says I can't handle myself and the possible consequences of those choices? I did all those things. I'm fearless.

No, I'm not. Not anymore.

Those glorious Hollins lessons have definitely faded in the past six years. First law school introduced me to a world of people who think the loudest, most obnoxious voice will win. I kept to myself, did well on my exams, and achieved in areas that I could control without the social approval of my classmates. Now the personalities I encounter run the gamut of amazingly collegial to oddly arrogant, a characteristic I find totally out of place in Alaska. Knowing that I know almost nothing and am here to learn keeps me quiet, keeps me from stepping on toes or standing up for myself. What's more, fear of rejection from my new legal community and a lack of a supportive professional environment prevents me from being the "brave, curious, risk-taker" I used to be.

It's time for a change. I'm ready for a change. That is evident in how seriously I'm taking my job applications. It's not even March (I have this job until end of August) and I've submitted seven or so applications. I'm already excited about interviewing, exploring my options, and probing my interviewees with hard-hitting questions to make sure I'm signing up for a professional relationship where I can thrive. Sure, these people are offering to pay me money, but I'm the one offering up a large portion of my time on this planet to work with them. It should be up to me if I'm satisfied with the experience they are offering. Not to say I'll be superior or have an inappropriate view of my bargaining position, but I will be less likely to jump at the first opportunity I'm offered than I was two years ago. It has to be a good fit. It has to be a group of people that want me, a professional woman, to grow and achieve in their organization.

You're Always On My Mind....

There are two things I think about CONSTANTLY: my career and travel. OK, I also think about my other half and our furry children pretty much all the time too, but I know I have nothing to worry about there. The other two obsessions, however, are a constant source of emotional pull and frequently a source of worry.

My clerkship ends in September. That means no more job. That means I have to look for something now in hopes of getting an offer in March or April (ideally) or at least over the summer (if my resume just isn't that attractive). So far I have applied for posted positions at two very different firms and I sent a resume to a head hunter for a spot on their government contract team (that's a complicated story that I'll only tell if I get interviewed/hired). This week I'm focusing on preparing an application packet for the State of Alaska in their civil division. All of these sound really exciting and will pay my bills for the foreseeable future.

At this point my only true fear is a) being unemployed or b) that my next job won't pay me significantly more than I earn now (not that I'm money-hungry, but I could make more money than I do now without the expense of a law degree, so it's a cashing in on my educational investment issue rather than a greediness issue).

My other obsession is travel. I love to travel. I love travel more than I love eating, shopping, being lazy, or pretty much anything else decadent you can think of. Until last week I was 99% sure I was going to Europe this spring just for the hell of it. I was so excited. Then reality struck: I'd be taking more than 2 weeks off from work; I would spend my entire tax return and then some; we need to make some minor repairs to the house; we have some medical bills we should pay; I might be out of work for some months next year and we could really use every extra penny; I might get offered a job interview during the weeks I'm away and therefore lose a job opportunity. So I'm postponing my trip, possibly indefinitely. Best case scenario: I take 3 weeks off between my clerkship and my next job to go on a trip. Worst case scenario: I don't get to travel at all for a long time.

Mostly I love that some people have figured out a way to combine travel and multiculturalism with their careers. On one end of the spectrum you have vagabonds, or people who work seasonally then quit and travel till their money runs out. This is less than ideal for me because I have massive student debt and I went to law school so I could do something meaningful with my life. On the other end of the spectrum you have hot shots, or people whose companies fly them around for work stuff. Hot shots sometimes only get to see the airport, their hotel and a series of conference rooms. That sounds lame.

Anyway, my dream job would strike a balance and pay me a livable wage. At this moment in time I'm not really in a position to take on a travel job: Leigh loves her job here in Anchorage and needs more time to settle into her company before trying to go mobile. I'm too new of an attorney to get a hot shot job and unwilling to live a life of poverty as a vagabond. So I need a few years to marinate in my lawyer-ness before making the big change. Rest assured, I have a few tricks up my sleeve so that I will hopefully, one day, have the option to travel for a living and still do something with my education.

So these two topics have been taking over my mind lately. Leigh and I are having a string of "well if this happens then we should..." conversations. It's fun to fantasize, but mostly just frustrating. I hate not knowing what I'll be doing next. I hate not knowing where my next paycheck is coming from. I really hate not being able to make plans for the next 6 months because we have to save money in case I'm out of work for a while.

So that's what's on my mind and what I've been up to the past few weeks. Nothing really exciting. I mostly feel like I've been sitting in an uncomfortable waiting room for a really, really long time....

6th Anniversary

Last weekend was my 6th wedding anniversary. Leigh and I used a Groupon to stay at a brand new property in Homer, AK. Our cabin was partially underground with a view of Kachemak Bay. The weather was clear and sunny, the skiing was fun, the food was delicious. It was pretty amazing.

Sunset over Kachemak Bay

It was a weekend that allowed us to celebrate our relationship, but most importantly the friendship that makes up our relationship. We did the things we love doing together: cooking, chilling out, skiing, and exploring new places. We both love to do a lot of different things, but most importantly we love sharing those experiences with each other.

Leigh getting her ski on. She's so pretty.

So we had a great weekend. Things are going better in a lot of ways too. My work is less stressful, mostly because my work environment has been more relaxed the past week or so. I don't know what changed, but I'm glad it did. Now I'm slowly applying for job opportunities to start in the late summer or early fall. So far I have found three that sound interesting. This weekend we're hosting friends for dinner. Next month we're taking a ski trip with some friends of mine from work. In all life is stable, if not pretty darn good.

It's amazing how a weekend away to decompress can change your perspective on things.

Mid-January

OK, so it's been a few weeks since I've posted everything and for good reason: not much is going on up here in the Great White North. We've had more snow and more subzero weather, my house is a wreck, my puppy needs more time outside (but it's too cold for her to play comfortably), and I'm back to working full time after 2 glorious weeks away from the office. That's about it.

The only thing that has really changed is that I joined a gym (yikes!). Leigh and I joined a really nice gym with multiple locations. I've been attending various classes most days during the week, then making up for the burned calories by eating a lot on the weekends. Good plan, right?

This weekend is Leigh's and my 6th wedding anniversary. We're celebrating by going to Homer for a few days. We used a Groupon to get a great cabin near ski trails and are planning to explore the Kenai a little bit. Cannelle is going to stay overnight at a daycare facility and Juneau gets the house to her herself. It should be a good weekend for the whole family!

But for today I'm working on a government holiday (so I can have this Friday off for the anniversary). The agenda for today is research in the morning, gym for lunch, then back to the office for some writing/job applications.

Well, I'd better get started!

What do we want and when do we want it?

Quick Answers: Everything and Now.

I read a book review for "Cruel Optimism" by Lauren Berlant. It sounds like a complicated book about our world views, our desires, our choices, etc. Heavy stuff. But this post isn't about the book, it's about a comment on the book. The blogger makes a comment about clinging desperately to the paradox of predictability and security — “buy this car to go to work, go to work to pay for this car.”

Hitting the nail on the head. When visiting with my dad two weeks ago he was talking about how his income plummeted between his last year working and his first year of retirement. OK, this is an obvious reality of retirement and my dad isn't stupid, but I think it's one of those realities that doesn't really set in until you're in the thick of it. You go from having a steady, substantial paycheck twice per month to no paycheck, just a dwindling balance in your savings accounts. That must be a bit of a shock. As the astute know-it-all daughter I reminded him about his monthly costs while he was working. My dad drove 55 miles each way to work, maintained a heavy duty vehicle that could travel this distance each day, bought work clothes, lunches, etc each month to maintain his employment. In other words, working can be expensive.

The quote above reminds me of living to work or working to live. As a person who tries very hard to value life for what it is, rather than the things acquired during life, it's sometimes hard to make certain life choices. I didn't start valuing life for living it until after law school. That is, after I had shelled out six figures in student loans for my degree, after I started down a path toward a life of long hours working and 4 weeks paid vacations. Now I'm in a situation where I have to work a certain level of job to pay for my education in hopes of regaining what I had to begin with: the freedom to choose where to go next and what to do. Depressing? A little bit.

So now I wonder about all the things I want the most: upgrades to my house, a new car, a healthier body, a new job. Which of these are to improve my life? Which of them are to sustain a life that consists of acquiring things rather than seeking experiences? What does my life situation say about my New Year's Resolution (focusing on fitness)?

The upgrades to my house will serve several purposes. For one thing, a house is an investment. We plan to live in our house for several years and then rent it out or sell it, hopefully for a profit. Improvements like new cabinets, carpeting, and enclosing our back porch will make the home more functional while we are working and saving and will make the house more attractive when it comes time to cash in. In this way, our home improvements are mostly about acquiring things but can also be used as an avenue to the life we want when we are done building our careers.

A new car: this is completely about acquiring things. If I were living as an expat somewhere, traveling, or having some other life filled with adventure I would probably not have a car at all. They are expensive, polluting, and not necessary to own except for work.

A healthier body: everybody wants to be sexy and to like the body they inhabit. That is a materialistic attitude, but it's inescapable. Anyone who says they don't care about their body is a liar. Also, the world we live in favors those who take care of themselves. Whether it's politicaly correct or not, I'm more likely to have the job opportunities I want if I am in good shape and take good care of my skin, hair, and clothing. I am no exception to these shallow ideals, but my real motivation is my health. If I don't take diet and exercise seriously I won't live as long as I want to. End of story. In addition, a lot of the experiences I hope to have in my life require me to have certain strength and stamina. So I joined a gym to give myself greater access to healthy choices and nice amenities.

A new job: For me, for the job I want next, this falls squarely within the work to live category. I worked really hard to have the privilege to work a certain kind of job. I'd like to cash in on that. Additionally, I've spent a lot of money to earn this privilege, I'd like to pay off my debts and save for the future. Also, I want to be good at my job, good at something and help create something, even if it's another subsidiary for a major corporation. All of these things sound great, but the bottom line is that the job I want will cause me to work long, hard hours for many years. I will spend a lot of the money I earn in this job on a car to transport me to my office, clothing for client meetings, and vacations to unwind from working so hard. The alternative would be choosing a life without a law degree, owing little in student loans, working various unglamorous but fulfilling jobs, and enjoying a daily routine that includes equal stress to relaxation. My paycheck would be small but so would my bills and my freedom would be almost unlimited.

So yeah, I'm in a bit of a pickle at this point, but what can I do? Well, I can enjoy the life I'm building and see where it takes me. If I don't find the job I'm looking for perhaps that will lead me elsewhere. If I do find it and hate it, I need to have the courage to recognize that and make the necessary changes.

In the meantime I must challenge myself to analyze every decision I make as part of the bigger picture: Am I doing this to sustain my obligations to others or to enrich my life on a larger scale? I suspect that sometimes the answer will be disappointing, but the more I ask the question the more likely I will have an outcome that I am proud of.

The Big Trip

The much-anticipated Christmas vacation of 2011 has come and gone. Our big trip started at 2am on December 20. A mere 14 hours later we landed in Orlando, picked up a rental car and drove to New Smyrna Beach, Florida where we had arranged to stay at the vacation condo of my friend's parents. Upon arrival our jaws dropped to the floor. The condo was bigger than our house in Anchorage and filled to the brim with fine furnishings and artwork. It was easily the most comfortable place we've stayed for several years (or maybe ever).

After a night of sleeping like the dead and waking up to the sun rising over the beach, we hit the ground running. Day 1 was spent shopping till we dropped, literally. We hit the Orlando outlet malls hard. I spent my shopping allowance over the course of about 12 hours. Leigh put a nice dent in hers, but failed to find several things she had really hoped for. So picky.

We celebrated our gluttony with more gluttony by dining at the Melting Pot. We're never really big on chain restaurants, but when we travel Down South it's hard to not want to indulge in the things that Anchorage doesn't have. We had a delicious 4-course meal that was the perfect portion size for two hungry girls without pushing us over the edge. I had a glass of pinot noir too. Yum!

Day 2 was spent at Islands of Adventure. My dad bought us tickets for the Wizarding World of Harry Potter as our Christmas gift (Thanks Dad!). We didnt' realize until we arrived at the theme park that our tickets gave us access to all of the Islands of Adventure! On the way to Harry Potter we passed through 3 or 4 different "islands." That was a fun surprise. At Harry Potter we toured Hogwarts, rode the Flight of the Hippogriff, drank butterbeer, ate at the Three Broomsticks and spent way too much money on t-shirts and such. It was really fun and the crowds were just barely tolerable.

Ah, refreshing butterbeer. OK, it was tasty, but way too rich. I took me nearly and hour to drink one mug of it.

Aside from Harry Potter, my favorite discovery at the park was Suisselanding, the Doctor Suisse themed "island." I even made Leigh ride the carousel of Suisse creatures. The colors and sounds were a feast for the senses. It was pretty amazing and reminded me how wonderful Doctor Suisse stories are. There was even a small forest of Truffula Trees from The Lorax, my personal favorite.

Truffula Trees

My parents and nephew met us at the condo that evening to hang out for the night and into the next day. It was great seeing my dad and having them there to enjoy the comfortable amenities with us. I hadn't seen my nephew in over two years, so it was fun to reconnect with him too. We spent a whole day enjoying the warm weather, the beach, and the little town. That evening we drove to Jacksonville, where my brother and his family live.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were spent with my brother's family at his house in Jacksonville. They had decorated the front room and my sister-in-law had a huge meal planned. On Christmas Eve we sat down together to decorate a ginger bread house. I'd never done this before and it was actually really fun to have everyone work on a section and put them all together.

The Gingerbread house builders: Asa (brother), Leigh, Isaiah (nephew), Dad, me, Donna (step-mom) and Cilla (sister-in law, behind the camera).

The final product:
On Boxing Day Leigh and I got up at 3am or so to catch a flight to Greensboro, NC. We picked up a rental car and drove 4 hours to Vansant, VA to spend about a week with Leigh's family. Unfortunately both of her siblings had to go back to work pretty soon after we arrived, but Leigh got a day or so with each before they left. The rest of the week we mostly chilled out, watched movies, and ate way too much. It was great to see Leigh's family and for her to have lots of quality time with her mom and grandparents.

We are now back in Anchorage, tired, achy from flights, and a few pounds heavier. My house is slightly upside down from hosting 3 dogs while we were away (we had a house-sitter who very kindly watched Cannelle, a friend's dog and her own dog at our house!), I haven't unpacked and this first day back at work has been a slow one. This evening I'm getting a massage and chiropractic adjustment to undo the damage of 14 hour plane rides and sleeping on soft mattresses. Starting tomorrow hopefully my life will be back on track including a healthy diet, regular exercise, and a sustainable routine.

In all it was a good trip but, like all family-centered holidays, we came home feeling like we need a vacation. Good thing we have a weekend getaway planned for January 20 (our anniversary) and a trip to Seattle in the works for this summer or fall. Oh, and next year we're celebrating the holidays in Hawai'i!

You know you need a vacation...

.... when you're totally unfocused and finding the weirdest things to fixate on. My current preoccupations include:

1. The Daily Frenchie: Pictures and captions of adorable little doggies, anyone?

2. Christmas cookies: or how many I can eat without gaining more than one full pound (I've only gained 1/2 pound since the baked goods madness started)

3. Orlando shopping Recognizance: Actually plotting out my day of shopping (3 malls, one epic day) and imagining how far my shopping allowance will stretch.

4. Daydreaming not of the vacation itself, but of boarding the plane for a 12-hour trip to the destination. I need a break so badly that I'm looking forward to the PLANE RIDE. Seriously?!

2 1/2 hours until the weekend, then I just have to suffer through Monday at work... but let's be honest, I've been mentally on vacation all week.....

Roaming Thoughts

Being bored at work or just plain tired of my daily routine gets me thinking about alternative options. Without a doubt, I will be spending the next 5+ years working an office job and living a fairly common American lifestyle: I will focus on paying off student debt, making a comfortable home, staying in shape, making strides toward starting a family, maintaining friendships and building on hobbies.

Many people in their twenties and early thirties will spend this time living a more vagabond lifestyle, a lifestyle I would gladly embrace were it not for the gobs of student debt I took on in order to attend law school. If I could have it my way, I'd go the route of Jodi Ettenburg and use my education to build a self-employed, part-time career out of traveling and having interesting life experiences. But Ettenburg is Canadian, so her government caps her student debt somewhere more reasonable AND she worked at a major NYC law firm for several years. Odds are her financial situation is what I can only hope mine will be in 15 years. So I need to adjust my thinking. Instead of being a 27 year old vagabond, I hope to be a 35 year old expat of sorts. Basically I'll live my life in reverse: work my ass off as a young attorney then call it quits and live a very frugal but fulfilling lifestyle until the money runs out. Repeat.

I have a lot of different travel/life experience dreams for Leigh and myself: setting up shop in Southeast Asia to work for a non-profit or write a book, seeing the world by bicycle with intermittent stops in places that speak to us, taking epic journeys like the new cross-continental train from Paris to Moscow. completing a fellowship or two in various locations to do research, and going to business school in Europe all sound amazing. Of course I can't do all of these things, but the fact that I'm excited about so many different options tells me, at the very least, that I have a lot of living to do. The key is making it happen.

Last night I found a page on Matador advertising their new travel writing/photography/film programs. The courses are online and cheap, really cheap. It's no guarantee of a job and it's possible that it's just a way to get people like me to fork over a couple hundred bucks to further a hobby, but it's something to think about. I already have an education and I'm building a career in a lucrative field, so I'd hardly be putting all my eggs in one basket. If I was ready to take a career break now I'd probably start by enrolling in a travel writing course and relocate somewhere interesting with a low cost of living to use as my living classroom. If things took off I'd take on assignments and ride it out for a while. If not, I'd enjoy my leave of absence and go back to my life. No harm, no foul.

Leigh thinks I just have a lot of ideas, and she's right, but when I mention these things and say "and you could volunteer or take cooking classes!" she gets pretty excited about it. It just goes back to my life motto: everyone should live their best, most exciting life. Right now my best life is finding a job that is challenging and uses my education. I want to see where that takes me. My best life is also honoring the family I'm building and the community I'm becoming a part of. Later, when I have the financial and professional freedom to make decisions based on inspiration, my best life will be something very different.