The Bread Line

Last Tuesday was my last working day. That's almost 2 full weeks of unemployment so far. I am really bad at being unemployed.

The first day was busy: a midwife's appointment and a job interview took up most of my day. The next several days, including the weekend, were also busy with a long "To Do" list around the house. I was exhausted at the end of each day and pleased to see so many little projects coming together at home.

Then yesterday I started to wind down. I woke up, saw that I didn't have as much to do and thus less motivation to do anything at all. I watched DVDs, cleaned a little bit, hung some pictures on the walls, and then met my friend for yoga in the evening. Today was about the same, but I also made some calls about jobs I interviewed for a few weeks ago. I'm still in the running, still theoretically employable and might find myself working in the near future. Maybe.

I've also started feeling really terrified today. Sure, I still have a half dozen things to get done around the house (install new light fixtures, reorganize the pantry, finish preping the baby's room, etc), but soon enough I will finish those tasks and be left only with daily cooking and cleaning, plus any personal hobbies I find to keep myself busy. For a lot of people this sounds great, and it might have sounded like a nice break to me too a few months ago. But the reality is that now I can see a few weeks into the future and then an abyss of aimless days.

Leigh says I should keep looking for work, but really try to enjoy this time off. I am trying and I am enjoying focusing on projects I didn't have time for before. But seriously, I'm tired of hanging around my house alone all day with nobody to talk to and no real challenges to overcome. Those things build my confidence and sharpen my professional skills. I am afraid of dulling those skills and thereby losing my confidence, which will only make it harder for me to sell myself to a potential employer. 

So it's already time to start Round 2. It's not enough to just fill my days, I have to have a plan, even if things don't work out according to plan. First order of business is to finish up some lengthy applications I had put off while wrapping up my clerkship. Then I need to find things to do outside the house, so I will look for volunteer opportunities or maybe try to sit on a planning board or something. Also, I really, really need to always be reading something. I used to read constantly, then I started clerking and was reading all day long so that the last thing I wanted to do at home was pick up a serious book. Well, that is no longer a problem. 

This was certainly not how I anticipated things working out for me post-clerking, but I am still confident that I will find something. Now I have to exercise what patience I have (not much) and focus the energy I would normally use on work onto other aspects of my life. At the end of the day this might turn out to be a great life lesson for me about patience, perseverance, and priorities. Let's hope my heart is open enough for me to hear those lessons and my mind is open enough to understand them.