It's no secret that I'm looking for a new job. In fact, when am I ever NOT looking for a new job? At least that's how it seems, considering that I started working on the books when I was 15, then I was enrolled in higher education for nearly seven years, always needing to secure a summer internship, and over the past three years have completed three separate one-year contract style jobs with two different employers. Wow, I seem like a flake, but this is pretty normal for someone in my position.
It's also no secret that I'm pretty disenchanted with my current position. My work is either too dull to capture my full attention or so difficult with so little direction that I'm almost certain I'm being set up for failure. The co-workers don't like me for various reasons, mostly because I'm female (I have a supervisor who doesn't communicate well with women and work with two female support staffers who hate their own 20-something daughters. Hatred by proxy, I suppose.). My supervisor has severe mood swings. One day we'll get along OK and the next he'll sit me down for an hour and tell me in more eloquent terms that I am stupid, lazy, inexperienced, sloppy, etc. It does a number on my self-esteem, makes me think I'm not good enough for my profession, and makes me consider running away. A few particularly bad interactions with him led me to spend a remaining portion of the day applying for jobs in Washington, DC and foreign 1-year contract positions in pretty scary locations.
But when I come back down to Earth I remember that this too shall pass and that not every work environment is like this one. There are supportive, encouraging, challenging jobs and colleagues out there. I just need to find the right fit and enjoy working hard with those people. That's one benefit of being in Anchorage now- this is where I want to live and I actually get to interview in person from now on (my clerkship interviews were over the phone).
Today I read this Forbes Thought of the Day. The bottom line was that women need to "put their foot on the pedal and aim high," but there were also important tidbits about creating supportive working environments for girls and young women to get a sense of leadership and run with it:
"What else has to happen before women take their fair share of leadership roles?
I’ve spent the last ten years helping women grow micro businesses into $million companies. ... And here is what I would add to the latest efforts to move more girls – soon to be women – into positions of leadership: adults need to create more opportunities for girls to be brave, curious risk-takers and leaders. Girls need to see and meet women leaders who look like them. Women need to create more places and situations where girls can try being the boss on for size. Girls need to know from women and men that being the boss, being a leader and being in charge are choices that they actively make, not something that happens because they are smart, pretty, sexy, perfect or good enough."
This comment gives me promise that there might just be a job out there where I don't have to feel weird at the interview because I'm a young-looking short girl with short hair who is obviously in desperate need of some positive reinforcement. The best case scenario for me would be a position where at least one of my bosses is a woman, someone I can look up to and learn from, someone who knows what it feels like to be the odd "man" out in a profession based on the illusions of charisma and power.
I'm reminded of my days at Hollins, feeling like I was just as good and capable of achieving anything and just as entitled to opportunity as anyone else. I'm the girl who ran off to Seattle for the summer just to be somewhere different. I'm the girl who moved to France for a year because the economy sucked in 2008. I'm the girl who traveled to Costa Rica, Germany, the UK, Italy, Spain, and Morocco all by herself. Who says I can't do that? Who says I can't handle myself and the possible consequences of those choices? I did all those things. I'm fearless.
No, I'm not. Not anymore.
Those glorious Hollins lessons have definitely faded in the past six years. First law school introduced me to a world of people who think the loudest, most obnoxious voice will win. I kept to myself, did well on my exams, and achieved in areas that I could control without the social approval of my classmates. Now the personalities I encounter run the gamut of amazingly collegial to oddly arrogant, a characteristic I find totally out of place in Alaska. Knowing that I know almost nothing and am here to learn keeps me quiet, keeps me from stepping on toes or standing up for myself. What's more, fear of rejection from my new legal community and a lack of a supportive professional environment prevents me from being the "brave, curious, risk-taker" I used to be.
It's time for a change. I'm ready for a change. That is evident in how seriously I'm taking my job applications. It's not even March (I have this job until end of August) and I've submitted seven or so applications. I'm already excited about interviewing, exploring my options, and probing my interviewees with hard-hitting questions to make sure I'm signing up for a professional relationship where I can thrive. Sure, these people are offering to pay me money, but I'm the one offering up a large portion of my time on this planet to work with them. It should be up to me if I'm satisfied with the experience they are offering. Not to say I'll be superior or have an inappropriate view of my bargaining position, but I will be less likely to jump at the first opportunity I'm offered than I was two years ago. It has to be a good fit. It has to be a group of people that want me, a professional woman, to grow and achieve in their organization.
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