Final Weekend

I feel a bit as though I'm marching to my death. It's so silly, because it's just a test and it's given twice yearly, but I feel like if I get an email at the end of October saying "Hey Emily, the State of Alaska has determined that you suck!" that my heart might just stop beating right then and there.

This summer has been one long study hall. I've literally studied 4-8 hours per day, every day since June 1 (minus July 3 because I took a break and went up to Matanuska). When I sit down to practice with essays I either nail it or come pretty close or I come across a nuance that wasn't in the lectures and learn something new. All signs point to success, or at least something close to it.

However, be it a lack of confidence or general nervousness, I can't help but shake the fear that I'll sit down in the exam room and get a question to which I draw a blank. I cannot understand what the question is asking or I know what area of law is being tested but the elements just won't come to mind. Last night I tried visualizing success and it did help a bit, but this looming fear just will not go away....

So today, tomorrow and Monday I will use this fear in a last ditch effort to learn everything possible to do well on this exam. My confidence is building, but I will still feel like a gambler sitting down at the card table on Tuesday morning. In all I have had a good couple of days studying hard with small reminders of the outside world and the support system that has slowly grown around me. Leigh has outright said that we will proceed as planned regardless of my test results and I can try again next summer if needed. My step-mom brought tears to my eyes by sending me an impromptu care package of snack food and lounge clothes (which I'm wearing right now and loving!). My grandmother and uncle have sent me sweet emails saying that they can't wait to see me next week and that they're thinking about me all the time. Also, today I got a small package from Leigh with multivitamins (for energy), candy (for happiness), a necklace her mom bought me in Italy, and two Prince CDs (because it's time I get my education in the wonder that is The Artist Formerly Known as Prince).

Now I just need to keep my head down and get through until the end of next week and then my life can start. I have to keep reminding myself of all the opportunities I have coming up and how, generally speaking, I can start living my life in a tangible way very, very soon.