Disappointments

It's kind of amazing how little pieces of bad or disappointing news can completely suck any remaining joy from my heart these days. Normally I take bad news like any Type A personality- I have the initial "impact moment" where I feel upset and disappointed and then spend the next few hours doing research on how to fix the problem. These days I get bad news and any ounce of hope for my future seeps out through my skin so I spend the next X number of hours just being angry and hopeless without being willing to do anything about the problem.

A few days ago I was feeling pretty good about studying and thinking I just might pass this test. Then yesterday I got my results from my simulated practice exam from two weeks ago. Let's just say it wasn't good. I already knew how many questions I had missed, but my percentile ranking was far worse than I am used to doing on standardized tests (and I don't even do that well usually). Add this to the fact that earlier that day I had taken a half day practice test and had missed the correct questions goal by about 9 questions (out of 200), and you have yourself a very unhappy Emily.

So what do I do to solve this problem? Well, first I eat sub-par pizza (lots of it) and then I watch TV on my computer the rest of the evening. Yep, I'm a real problem solver.

Today it's taking all my self-motivation to not just surrender to failure and go back to bed this morning (it's not even early- it's nearly 9am!). I keep telling myself that the simulated exam was 2 weeks ago, which is a LIFETIME in Bar Bri terms, and I've learned a lot since then. Then I tell myself that Bar Bri designs the simulated exam to be maddeningly difficult so we will do poorly on purpose. I also know that I still have 8 days until the exam and plenty of material to review during that time, plus the actual exam is likely to be better written/clearer than the ones I'm taking now. My final bit of consolation is that I know that Leigh is committed to moving up here with me next summer to start our lives, bar passage or not. She's even looking into attending UAA for nursing and keeping her eyes open for available jobs.

I still don't want to fail though. I've never failed at anything meaningful before, so this would be a first...and what a first it would be! I've only spent the past 7 years preparing for this exam in one way or another and the past 3 planning my classes and summers around jobs I may or may not be eligible for depending on the outcome of the exam. *sigh* OK, now I'm getting sad again.....

I should really think about taking a shower and heading to the library.....maybe some coffee would cheer me up?