Yesterday I was so happy that it was nearly the weekend. Now it's Friday and I just don't give a shit. This weekend I will do what I do every weekend: sleep in, watch movies, read, and wish the weather was better for the things I really enjoy. To top it all off, Leigh and I have been arguing all morning via text messages. Not fun. Arguing in texts is really not fun because it never ends and you can say anything without repercussion, so sometimes you say really mean things.
My frustration over the past week has really come to a head. I'm pissed because I didnt' get a real holiday break, at all! Irritated at the weight I gained over the past 3 weeks of holiday parties and heavy dinners. Feeling hopeless that I'll ever be content with myself in that regard. And now I'm feeling a mix of anger with Leigh and guilt for being so blunt about my feelings. I wonder if it actually makes a difference to bluntly express your anger with someone or to take the more diplomatic route? If she doesn't acknowledge my frustrations as valid either way, and has no intentions of making any changes in spite of my pleas, then I've just hurt her feelings without actually getting anywhere.
Anyway, I now have 4 hours of work left followed by 2 hours at the gym followed by 2 days of hanging around a tiny apartment with someone with whom I am not getting along very well at the moment. Hardly something to celebrate.
To add to my irritation, I am in such desperate need of a break from my routine that I could scream. To keep myself from having such an outburst I spend a lot of time researching various travel opportunities, international volunteer organizations, possible career opportunities after my clerkship, etc. My research only makes me more frustrated, thinking of the time that must pass for this to come about and how difficult it will be to be accepted to various programs or chosen for a job position. For the travels I just worry about money and asking for time off, things like that. But for all of it I hardly dare breathe a word of my interest in these things to Leigh because she either ignores me, sighs in frustration at my list of interests, or says she isnt' interested. So do I go about making my plans on my own? Put it on the back burner until another time? Try to force her into being more willing to embark on these adventures?
So basically my foul mood is the result of a lack of power, lack of options, and lack of another soul who understands what I want and is willing to make the effort to get it. Looks like these are all things that only I want and, while I might have a companion along the way, the planning and opportunity-making will be all up to me.
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I have many moments like this. However, recently, I have discovered this magical power of filling my own needs. I find that if I look inward, and do what I want to do, everything else seems to fall into place. You can't control anyone but yourself and many times we sacrifice ourself for the wants and needs of other; be it an intimate or familial relationship, work, society, etc. I vote this weekend you do something for you.
ReplyDeleteMy dear, you paint me in an unfair light. I have always supported you're dreams and goals in life and everything that goes with that. I get frustrated when you talk incessantly about going here, moving there, and always to something better than what we have now because I happen to enjoy living in the now with you. Even in this tiny apartment in this cold, cold city. It makes me feel like you don't appreciate what you have with me & our little family. Maybe you'll take my frustrations seriously as well.
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