This afternoon I did a bit of light reading of my blog posts from my final month in Europe and my first two weeks back in the US. It's amazing: I've been in the US for 8 months, a month longer than the time spent in Europe, and yet my memories and my heart pull me back to my time abroad on a daily basis. Usually this is a wondeful biproduct of my time away, but sometimes it's frustrating or saddening. I thought I'd post to address some questions and comments I posed to myself and the world before coming home. Call it "full circle" writing, if you like.
From Antibes, the last week of April 2010: "My greatest fear is that I won't be able to continue the inner journey I started here after leaving the Continent. What if I forget all that I learned about the world and myself?"
Thankfully this has not happened. While my "inner journey" has slowed a great deal, if not come to a complete standstill, I still have the memories of those pivotal moments that spurred me along last year. I have not forgotten what I have learned (the good and the bad), not for a moment, and rereading my old posts only helps me to know that. My only concern is that, because my daily life is significantly less challenging (emotionally and spiritually) and so very "normal," I worry my growth is slow to the point of being stagnant. Hopefully this concern will motivate me to continue challenging myself rather than seeking my comfort zone.
"What if I go back to being the same person I was before I learned these things?"
I don't think this is possible. I was away just long enough to feel settled in a new life, even just for a few weeks. I became so comfortable putting myself in uncomfortable situations, meeting new people, exploring new places, etc that I don't think I could ever go back to being who I was before. Not that I've changed as a person, but I feel the experience has calmed me, forced me to be more thoughtful and calculating in my decisions, and the like. The experience has also further awakened the wanderlust that led me away in the first place, so that while I'm enjoying permanence at the moment (and sometimes wonder if I should stay put for a while), I know that I will have other times in my life when I am nomadic and living as an ex-pat once more.
"What if my life doesn't bring me back here to continue exploring this Old World that I have come to love so much?"
This, unfortunately, is very possible. Due to the European Union and my country's stiff policies regarding immigration, other countries are in no mood to do Americans any favors when trying to live abroad. However, I have a few ideas on the back burner to take me back to Europe in the coming years. For a start, I'm still thinking about grad school in France, but not for another 3 or 4 years. Also, Taize is always a good option for long term stays abroad, though I have to go before I'm 30. Language schools, cultural exchanges, and of course business opportunities are also possible. It will take dedication and work, but it is entirely possible to return regularly throughout my life. Also, Europe isnt' the only Old World: Leigh and I have plans to travel in Southeast Asia next year, so I have much exploring left in my life!
"What if the people I have met, and come to both admire and care for forget me entirely? What if wanting to stay connected just isn't tangible enough for reality?"
Unfortunately I cannot answer this first part of this question, however I can say that I have tried to stay in touch with everyone through email and Facebook and now Twitter. So the answer to the second part is that, in modern times, it is entirely tangible. Sometimes it becomes very frustrating because I want to see my friends more often or speak on the phone. I want our budding friendships to grow more rapidly than is possible at such a distance. Instead I know I should be grateful to have technology so that we can stay in touch at all and know that our paths will cross again in the future. A great example is that a friend I met at Taize told me today she'll be studying in the US next year! Granted, she won't be studying anywhere near me in Alaska, but this makes is more possible to visit at least once while she is in my country.
From the Summer, something practical: "I'm planning to get through German Levels I and II this summer, which is a pretty good chunk of information..."
OK, this didn't happen. I did study a little bit of vocabulary and watched some subtitled films. I still enjoy German a lot and want to learn, but honestly I'm having a hard enough time just holding onto my French. Luckily for Christmas I received three Harry Potter books in French, which are great! I also got a little novel that I'll tackle later on. I really want to keep learning French and I want to start learning German. I just need to make the time and effort and remember WHY I want to learn it!
From early May 2010: "I've never felt quite so homeless before, so much so that my transient life in France looks like a cozy home compared to what I have here."
All summer I wished for a real home or at least a home-base. Now I have one. We have a tiny, dingy apartment in a dull neighborhood, but it's safe and warm and ours. It's well-furnished and the walls are completely covered with prints and photos from our travels. Our life together so far. We can't wait to find a better housing situation, but for now it's quite a relief just to have something of our own. Even so, I can't help but miss that crowded apartment in France, especially when Leigh was there with us, with a view of the sea and the Alps and steps away from opportunity. It's a tough act to follow.
"I am so excited to start my adult life, my career, to try out Alaska full time and see how it goes. I have a lot of wonderful opportunities ahead in the next 18 months. After that, who knows?"
My summer was certainly a challenge and very interesting. It ticked all the necessary boxes and was even a lot of fun at times. I worked hard. I earned enough money to get started in Alaska. I was more fit, more tan, and better fed than I've been ever in my life. The drive to Alaska was long and hard, but I'm glad I did it. I can check that off my bucket list. Now that I'm in Alaska, doing it "full time," I'm really starting to like it here. We're in the dead of winter and I dont' mind. I have plans to learn to cross-country ski and now the days are getting longer. Soon it will be spring and I'll visit Hawaii and then it will be a glorious summer. I'm set for work next year and then I will do my best to find a great job and get a real career started. Then, who knows? I have a lot of "maybe" plans and they're all good, so I can't complain. In fact, I can rejoice!
As I read more through my posts I noticed how happy I was and excited about every little thing. I think traveling and all that comes with it really brings out the best in me. I'm less synical, more excited, more curious, and more creative. Even my writing was so much better then, maybe just because the language I was exposed to every day was more varied because it was spoken by such diverse people in at least two languages. Also, I was so optimistic, like nothing could touch me. I couldn't be harmed. Unfortunately, this isn't actually true and I did face some actual trials during my time abroad, particularly when traveling alone. When traveling with friends I always felt safe, but that of course is a challenge in and of itself. In the end my friendships were better for it and I greatly enjoyed sharing those moments with others. My solo travels were equally important to my experience. I learned about myself. I learned my limits. I learned when to be at ease and when not to be. Even if some of those experiences have left an impression that I wish were not so lasting.
So that's my half year in review. I hope next year is just as full of enjoyment, challenge and adventure, even if it comes in completely different forms! Most of all, I hope anyreader(s)' coming year is equally blessed!
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